October 3, 2010

Shock and awe

Posted in Infertility, IVF tagged , at 7:52 pm by lifebytheday

I can’t quite believe that I’m about to type this…but I’m happy (and completely shocked) to announce that we’re finally PREGNANT!

Yes, you read that correctly…we are actually pregnant, successful from our FIFTH IVF cycle.

The whole morning was surreal…  I had decided last night that I was going to take a pregnancy test this morning, because I was CONVINCED that the cycle hadn’t worked and I didn’t want to have to deal with another VM from the nurse…”hiiii J…we’re so sorry…”  So I POAS’d first thing this morning and promptly put the stick back in the packaging and started getting ready for our beta appointment.  As determined as I was to know the results before the nurse called, I also didn’t want to have to go for a blood test already knowing that it was futile.  So S and I drove into Boston and back while I got increasingly testy and wound up. 

When we walked back into the house, I ran upstairs to get the test, just to pull the bandaid off and get the bad news over with.  I walked back downstairs and into the kitchen and pulled the test out of the packaging in front of S, with “see?” practically on the tip of my tongue…and then I looked at the test.  My mouth dropped open and I said to S, “Is that a + sign???” 

We noticed that the horizontal line was a bit fainter than the vertical line and I didn’t know which line actually meant pregnant…and since I had long since thrown out the original box, we ran upstairs to the computer to go online.  S was like “I can’t believe we’re looking up whether we’re pregnant on the computer!”  LOL!  We determined that the vertical line was the one that made it positive, but still didn’t completely believe our eyes.  So we divided and conquered – S made breakfast while I ran out to get some more tests – the digital kind!

Once I got back, I ran back upstairs (sensing a pattern here?) and did another test, and then flew back down to show S.  He was like, “how long do we have to wait for this one?” and I whipped out the test that said PREGNANT.  I’m sure it sounds insane, but even that didn’t convince us.  We were so nervous to get our hopes up that S actually peed on a stick as well, just to make sure that they were working, lol! 

By this time it was about 10:30 and we started wandering around the house, trying to find things to do while we waited for the RE’s office to call.  S even ran out of things to clean inside and started washing the cars!  At 11:30 (way earlier than normal), we got the call.  The test was officially positive, with a beta of 886!!!

We spent the rest of the day calling and visiting my parents and some close friends…and just looking at each other in awe.  I don’t think we’ll fully relax until the ultrasound, but for now, we’re trying to celebrate finally being pregnant!  Our next milestone is beta #2 on Tuesday morning, so if you don’t mind, keep sending those prayers and crossing those fingers – we couldn’t be more grateful for all of the thoughts and prayers that were sent our way, while I didn’t feel strong enough to pray for ourselves.

So again, thank you!  And thank you God for this beautiful opportunity. 🙂

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September 20, 2010

No drama, but still not much hope…

Posted in Infertility, IVF tagged , at 9:48 am by lifebytheday

Our transfer was yesterday morning and, compared to the previous cycle, it literally couldn’t have been more different. 

The day started out better from the moment we got in the car…last time I spent the whole drive worrying about why they were having me do a 3-day (vs. 5-day) transfer, and whether any of our embryos had survived to transfer.  This time, I knew that we’d be doing a 3-day transfer (apparently, when assisted hatching is involved, transfers are always on the third day – at least at my clinic – something I definitely wish they had told me before).  And for some reason, I wasn’t even all that worried that our three embryos wouldn’t have developed…I definitely was hoping and praying (to the best of my ability) for at least two good ones, but I didn’t feel the same deep worry in the pit of my stomach.

I think part of why we were able relax and focus on something other than our upcoming transfer was because S and I felt united and comfortable with our decision to transfer two embryos (vs. waffling and worrying last cycle), and because we knew what to expect once we got there.  So, we spent most of yesterday’s drive into the hospital debriefing and laughing about the pub crawl we had been on (don’t worry, I was the DD) with some of our besties the day before.  And this time I took my second Valium (hint – to relax all of the muscles) in the parking garage before we walked up to the office, so by the time they were ready for me I was nice and relaxed.  😉 

Once we got in, we weren’t rushed right into the OR, but had a moment to relax and joke about my loopy-ness and S’s request to keep his sterile suit for a painting uniform. ;-P  And we once again won the RE-lottery and got one of the sweetest, calmest doctors to do the transfer (who even had nice soothing music playing in the background).  And instead of the embryologist from hell, we  had another nice woman who let the RE tell us about our embies. 

Are you ready for this?  Drumroll please…..

We had two 8-celled embryos to transfer, one of which was described as “perfect” quality! 

The other one was described as “fine” but they explained that 8-celled is exactly where they want embryos to be at day 3 (that if they grow too fast, that’s almost as bad as if they grow too slowly).  And just for comparison, last time we had two average quality embryos, one 8-celled and one 10-celled.  Our other embryo was 9-cells yesterday so they’re letting it continue to develop and if it becomes a good quality blast it will be frozen.  I’m not holding out much hope there, but it was nice to hear that all three of our fertilized embryos had developed.

We left feeling…not quite hopeful, but peaceful…and the rest of the day was equally good.  I took a nice little Valium nap on the drive home and S stopped to pick us up Irish breakfast sandwiches (picture a huge Sunday breakfast rolled into a sub 😉 ) and the fixings for a big Sunday dinner.  I promptly parked myself on the recliner in the living room while S cleaned the house, and then some of our best friends came over to watch Sunday football.  Honestly, the day couldn’t have been better or more relaxing.

I’m still having a hard time feeling hopeful, or really connecting with these embryos as potential babies, but I know that’s just my self-preservation talking.  I’m working from home today so that I can do one more day of bed rest (although, I’m kind of convinced that I already ruined my chances due to some violent sneezing last night). :-/  I know, I’ve lost my mind.  Anyways, at this point, the only thing getting me through these next two weeks is our planned vacation to wine country in early October – and the fact that we’ll know either way by the time we go!  Celebration or self-medication…either way, wine country’s a great place to do that, right?

September 17, 2010

And my hope comes tumbling down…

Posted in Infertility, IVF tagged , , at 2:36 pm by lifebytheday

I seriously feel like Humpty Dumpty…like I’ve just been smashed to pieces for the millionth time.

Just got our fert report.

Out of 7 retrieved…only 4 were mature, and 3 fertilized.  I seriously never in a million years thought that less than 6 or 7 would have fertilized – I just figured that if they only got 7, then they must have hand-picked the mature ones!

I honestly don’t know what to do or think now.  I called my RE to see if he recommends us transferring all three (if they even make it to transfer) and if he has any ideas as to why we got such a low number.  I guess it doesn’t really matter, but I just NEED to know.

I am so discouraged. 😦

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update:  I just heard back from my RE.  He reminded me that in all of my past cycles only half of the eggs were mature each time.  So this cycle is comparable, it just seems lower because we started with fewer eggs.  He’s still hopeful that by growing and retrieving fewer eggs that they’ll be better quality, and still seems to be relatively optimistic.

I also asked him about transferring three embryos and he was willing to discuss the possibility.  However, he was pretty adamant that “age trumps quality” and said that he’s seen several instances where less than perfect quality embryos implanted in younger patients.  He brought up the idea of selective reduction in the case of triplets, and when I said that we would never consider that, he said “then we can’t transfer three.” 

So all in all, I’m still nervous, but I feel a bit better…just trying to stay calm and hopeful.

September 16, 2010

Some good news

Posted in Infertility, IVF tagged , at 3:48 pm by lifebytheday

I’m happy to report that the retrieval today was completely uneventful!  I feel much better than previous retrievals, actually pretty good considering.

I ended up having my primary RE and one of my other favorite docs perform the procedure and they made me feel very relaxed and comfortable.  They were right regarding the quantity of eggs – we got 7, which is the fewest I’ve ever come out of a retrieval with – I’m just hoping that all 7 are mature and good quality!

I’ll post again tomorrow once I get the fert report.  Everybody keep your fingers firmly crossed!

September 14, 2010

Surprise!

Posted in Infertility, IVF tagged , , , at 9:46 pm by lifebytheday

We’re triggering tonight for retrieval on Thursday!

I know…I’ve been a terrible blogger this cycle – sorry friends!  My 12+ hour days at work combined with my complete ambivalence towards this cycle means that I haven’t really acknowledged that this cycle was happening.  Added to that is the fact that I’ve been on stims for much less time this cycle and it was practically over before I realized it had begun! 

Last night marked our tenth and final day of stims, whereas with my previous cycles I was stimming between 15 and 20 days each time.  I am hopeful that less messing around with my eggs will mean better quality, because it’s definitely looking like we’re going to have less by way of quantity (mature eggs) this time.  I told S to remind me of that (quality not quantity!) when I wake up from anaesthesia on Thursday and get my egg count. 😉

I’m still feeling pretty numb…but as one of my BF’s said, I’ve tried every other attitude (positive, negative…) so I may as well try just not caring!  I’m not sure when, or even if, I’ll start to feel hopeful again, but in the meantime, if anyone has some hope or prayers to spare, I’d greatly appreciate you sending them my way. 🙂

August 24, 2010

Cycle #5 underway

Posted in Infertility, IVF tagged , , at 11:06 am by lifebytheday

Just started injections for our last IVF cycle, and felt…absolutely nothing.

I actually have been so focused on self-preservation that I completely forgot to order my meds for the upcoming cycle and had to take a special trip to the fertility pharmacy yesterday.

Then this morning, I forgot again and didn’t understand why my alarm clock was going off early.

I guess it’s going to take a while to get back into the swing of things…hopefully the cycle is almost over before I wake up. 😛

July 21, 2010

Cycle #…who knows.

Posted in Infertility, IVF at 10:36 am by lifebytheday

Last night I started BC pills for our upcoming (and last?) IVF cycle.  I have to be on the pills for 6 weeks (to regulate my hormone levels) before even starting the Lupron, so right now we’re targeting mid-September for retrieval and transfer. 

Exhibit A why I can’t just forget and “relax” – two months of varying and increasing meds before we even have a chance at being pregnant.

I’m glad that I won’t be dealing with shots or fake drinking at my company’s sales meeting in August, but I just wish I didn’t have to go through all of this again. 

I’m in this weird place right now where I don’t really feel hopeful, but I’m not ready to move on.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get excited at some point over the next two months…

May 22, 2010

Beta today

Posted in Infertility, IVF tagged at 7:12 am by lifebytheday

I’m trying to stay calm, headed off in about a half an hour for my blood draw. 

I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster for days, but yesterday I found hope in the most unlikely of places – my wax lady. ;-P  I went for a bikini wax so that S and I can “celebrate” tonight either way, and I have to say that of all the people in my life, Jean knows me extremely well, lol.  I walked in and she was like “are you pregnant?”  And I said, “I don’t know yet, we find out tomorrow!”  And she said “well I just got a feeling that you’re pregnant…”

Who knows…but I’ll take all the feelings I can get!

On another note, I have to apologize in advance – I may not post my beta results for a few days.  I’m anticipating a very low weekend if it’s a negative…and S’s need for privacy (and mine for confirmation at a second beta) if it’s a positive.  I hate to do that to all of you after all of the help and support you have given me over the past 2 weeks, but I hope you’ll understand.  Just do me a favor and keep praying for another few days! 😉

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend…it’s going to be great weather in MA and I plan to enjoy it!

May 21, 2010

Terrified

Posted in Infertility, IVF tagged at 11:03 am by lifebytheday

In just over 24 hours, we’ll know whether we’re going to be parents (in less than 9 months)…and I am FREAKING OUT. 

I’m literally all over the place…

I’ve been feeling better yesterday and today, so I’ve convinced myself that it didn’t work…but definitely haven’t processed what that would feel like. 

But then again, I just ordered more progesterone, on the off chance that I’ll be needing it past tonight.  I have  just enough for tonight, so if it’s negative, I’ll have two vials I don’t need, but if by some miracle we ARE pregnant, I couldn’t risk not being able to get more meds before the pharmacy closed for the weekend.  So yippee, more $…hopefully I’ll be using those meds and not letting them gather dust in my closets like all the rest of my extra drugs.

And then there’s the age old question…to POAS (pee-on-a-stick) or not to POAS.  I think since all I’ve ever seen are one lines, and 0 betas, that I don’t really believe it’s possible for a pee stick to show a positive for me.  All I can remember is the millions of negatives I’ve received over the past few years…

Like, what’s the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?  I’m this close to being declared insane, and I don’t need a pee stick to push me over that edge.  I don’t think I’ve let myself truly BELIEVE that this time could be different.  I’d rather wait for the 30 second phone call that I can just DELETE if necessary.

Wow, I sound a little worked up, huh?

Now, the only really important question is what to do between 10 and 2 tomorrow, while I wait for the call and wait for S to return home (he’s going up to Maine with my dad and uncles to open the family cottage).  I’m thinking a mani/pedi…just wish I could drink a few cocktails in the meantime. 😉

May 19, 2010

Symptoms or side effects?

Posted in Infertility, IVF at 7:29 am by lifebytheday

I’ve now reached the point in my cycle where I’m starting to doubt…starting to worry that maybe all of my symptoms are just side effects of the supplementary hormones in the meds.  The only thing that is keeping me hopeful is the twinges I felt earlier…but I’m seriously starting to lose it. 

I even cried the other night after my progesterone shot, not because it hurt (which they do), but because I can’t imagine how my @$$ will survive 10 weeks of  these shots, but at the same time, to have to do these shots for 10 weeks would mean that our deepest wish came true. 

This is the point in the cycle where I think everybody worries that they’re potentially doing the shots and taking the meds for nothing.  Even when you’re trying to stay hopeful, it’s just so depressing and discouraging.

More than anything though, I’m sick of feeling lousy and not having an excuse for it.  I think (I hope at least!) that once I know that I’m pregnant and that the baby (or babies) are officially “stuck” and healthy that I’ll just be able to ignore some of the symptoms.  But right now, they just feel like a tease.

Four more days…

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