August 27, 2010
As you may have noticed, my method of regaining hope this cycle is by conducting a lot of research. I’ve rejoined the online bulletin boards that helped me so much during the beginning of our IF journey…although now I’m part of the group called “IVF veterans.” 😦 I’m also relying on some of my lurkers (yes, I’m talking to you!) and other fellow bloggers to contribute some new ideas and insight. 😉
In the course of some research focused on adoption (which deserves its own post – or ten), I came across some comments about embryo adoption. Long story short, this consists of “adopting” the frozen embryos from a couple who has decided that their family is complete. For some reason, I completely forgot about this as an option, but now I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling like it might be the perfect solution.
– I would not have to go through the physically challenging part of another IVF cycle.
– The embryo would not have biological material from either of us (which is important to us – we’re an all or nothing kind of couple 😉 )
– I would still get to experience pregnancy, labor, and delivery (and yes I know that I might regret that later ;-), but shouldn’t I have the chance to admit that I was wrong?)
– I would still have the opportunity to breastfeed (obviously, this doesn’t work for every mommy/baby, but again, I’d like the chance to try)
– There would be less “explaining” to do with strangers/acquaintances
– Embryo adoption does not guarantee a pregnancy and healthy baby. There could be a reason why I’ve never been able to get pregnant and it might not only be because of the meds and resultant egg quality.
– Costs are unknown. We don’t know how much, if any, of an “adoptive” cycle our insurance would cover.
– Various other adoption-specific concerns…
Anyways, we definitely have a lot of research and soul-searching to do (I completely sprang this on S when he came home today and it was NOT the right timing 😉 )…but I wanted to ask anyone who has experienced embryo donation or embryo adoption to please share your experiences (good and bad).
August 26, 2010
To all of my fellow IF-sufferers, but specifically those who are pregnant or parenting post-IF, did you do anything non-(Western)-medical that made a difference in your successful cycle? Chinese medicine, supplements, special diets, old wives’ tales??
As most of you know, I’ve done everything from acupuncture and herbs to no gluten/no dairy/no sugar…but nothing seemed to help. I just don’t want to feel like I left anything on the table with this last cycle…
August 24, 2010
Just started injections for our last IVF cycle, and felt…absolutely nothing.
I actually have been so focused on self-preservation that I completely forgot to order my meds for the upcoming cycle and had to take a special trip to the fertility pharmacy yesterday.
Then this morning, I forgot again and didn’t understand why my alarm clock was going off early.
I guess it’s going to take a while to get back into the swing of things…hopefully the cycle is almost over before I wake up. 😛
August 20, 2010
Yes, the last straw, at least for this week, was an appliance.
Or rather…a broken appliance.
On Monday night we noticed that the freezer was defrosted, which wasn’t actually that unusual. Our fridge is on the older side (the kitchen was built around it two owners ago) and if you close the bottom door too hard, the freezer door pops open and everything defrosts. I threw out the things that were ruined and we went to bed.
On Tuesday morning, I opened up my yogurt smoothie and took a big swig of lukewarm yogurt before realizing that the entire fridge was warm. According to the appliance repairman the computer burned out, which apparently happened sometime Monday afternoon, so by Tuesday morning, all of the food was ruined.
Something about having to throw out hundreds of dollars of food – including all of the “healthy” food for the week that I had just purchased on Sunday – completely sent me over the edge.
Picture me (a sweaty, sore mess – post-day 2-run) huddled over a trash bag, throwing out brand new food…and SOBBING. I know that it wasn’t rational – and it actually has been kind of freeing to not be able to cook for the past few days – but for some reason, all of the stress and depression combined into a broken-fridge-meltdown.
However, I’m now happy to report that the fridge is getting fixed this afternoon, and that through some combination of working out, catching up on work, and pep talks from friends and family I am in a much better place. I’m looking forward to a weekend away with friends, who know me well enough that I don’t have to pretend to be anything other than what I am. And really, who can stay sad when eating, drinking, and lake-ing with friends?!
August 18, 2010
It has been a VERY rough few days (more on that later), but I just had to share one positive thing that has come out of all of it.
Today marks the third day that I got my @$$ up and went for a walk/run, followed by an ab workout. Only four more days ’til its a habit, right Jess? 😉
I’m really trying to do what I need to do to make myself feel better, and to celebrate the fact that I’m actually doing it.
So yay, go me. 😛
August 5, 2010
As soon as I mentioned the need for a distraction, work picked up and has completely occupied my mind. 😛
Hope you’re all doing well – I’ll be back soon!
August 3, 2010
I met with my therapist again yesterday and, again, learned a lot.
At one point, I was telling her about my meltdown last week and said “and I just LOST it” and she interrupted me. “You didn’t ‘lose’ it, you experienced the deep sadness and grief that you are feeling.” She focuses a lot on changing up language and therefore perception, and this was one more place where she forced me to give myself a break.
The other thing that we talked a lot about was ways to distract myself from the bone-deep sadness I’ve been feeling. I sort of thought that keeping my mind occupied was a cop out – avoiding or ignoring the real issue – but she said that processing these emotions is going to take time, that there’s nothing else that I can do to make it happen more quickly, and that sometimes the best thing to do is just take a break from the sadness.
So I’m looking for ideas for good distractions. I love to read and did a lot of that this weekend (Stealing Fire by Jo Graham and Stay by Allie Larkin), but S starts to feel ignored when I read 24/7. 😉 I know that walking Bailey is another good idea – fresh air and exercise for the price of one. But what else? I need some ideas for ways to keep my mind occupied when I’m doing things that don’t require brain power…dinner, laundry, etc…