September 29, 2010
A river in Egypt = ?
DENIAL.
This is how I feel right now…
I keep telling myself that it didn’t work – partly because I really think it didn’t, but also so that the only place to go on Sunday is up. I’m so focused on thinking about everything other than the 2ww that I actually forgot to start my estrogen patches for a day and a half.
Poor S, he keeps asking me if I feel pregnant…and all I can think about is that I probably will never know what it feels like to be pregnant.
September 22, 2010
Secrecy?
A good friend recently accused me of…no, that’s too harsh…made the observation that I had been very stealthy about our most recent cycle. She commented that sometimes it’s just better to keep it to ourselves, but long after our discussion I found myself still wondering why.
Not why it’s sometimes better to keep things to yourself – I completely understand that – but why I (the queen of talking things through) handled it that way this time around. And honestly? I have no idea.
I think that the largest part of it is self-preservation…the devastation of last month’s cycle is still so fresh in my mind. I literally will not allow myself to feel hopeful this time, to the point of not even considering the possibility of this cycle working. It’s almost as if I think the mere act of thinking will jinx me.
Sidebar? S is the total opposite this cycle. In previous cycles, I was the one constantly asking him “do you think it’s going to work? was I like this last time?” and on and on and on…and he was always very zen about it, that whatever was meant to be would happen. This time, he is practically convinced that it has worked. He talks to the babies and rubs and kisses my belly…and I spend the whole time putting up an emotional wall, trying to prevent myself from getting attached.
In addition to protecting myself, I think I’m subconsciously trying to protect others. Well, I guess I’m really still trying to protect myself by protecting others. Having to tell family and friends that a cycle was negative is almost as devastating as getting the initial news…it feels like I’m reliving that moment every time I have to say it out loud.
I felt that way in the height of my various depressed phases as well…like it’s bad enough that I have to live and breathe and think sadness ALL OF THE TIME…talking about it was always more than I could handle. Luckily I had S and some great friends who wouldn’t let me sink too far into myself, but I feel kind of like that now. Like talking about it makes it real…
I’m just not willing to make this baby (or babies) real and lose them again.
I realize that this post sounds like I’m depressed – I’m really not, I promise! In fact, today is already three days into the 2WW and I haven’t even thought about it much…work is keeping me super busy and distracted. I just thought I should explore my subconscious a little…pretty scary, huh? ;-P
September 20, 2010
No drama, but still not much hope…
Our transfer was yesterday morning and, compared to the previous cycle, it literally couldn’t have been more different.
The day started out better from the moment we got in the car…last time I spent the whole drive worrying about why they were having me do a 3-day (vs. 5-day) transfer, and whether any of our embryos had survived to transfer. This time, I knew that we’d be doing a 3-day transfer (apparently, when assisted hatching is involved, transfers are always on the third day – at least at my clinic – something I definitely wish they had told me before). And for some reason, I wasn’t even all that worried that our three embryos wouldn’t have developed…I definitely was hoping and praying (to the best of my ability) for at least two good ones, but I didn’t feel the same deep worry in the pit of my stomach.
I think part of why we were able relax and focus on something other than our upcoming transfer was because S and I felt united and comfortable with our decision to transfer two embryos (vs. waffling and worrying last cycle), and because we knew what to expect once we got there. So, we spent most of yesterday’s drive into the hospital debriefing and laughing about the pub crawl we had been on (don’t worry, I was the DD) with some of our besties the day before. And this time I took my second Valium (hint – to relax all of the muscles) in the parking garage before we walked up to the office, so by the time they were ready for me I was nice and relaxed. 😉
Once we got in, we weren’t rushed right into the OR, but had a moment to relax and joke about my loopy-ness and S’s request to keep his sterile suit for a painting uniform. ;-P And we once again won the RE-lottery and got one of the sweetest, calmest doctors to do the transfer (who even had nice soothing music playing in the background). And instead of the embryologist from hell, we had another nice woman who let the RE tell us about our embies.
Are you ready for this? Drumroll please…..
We had two 8-celled embryos to transfer, one of which was described as “perfect” quality!
The other one was described as “fine” but they explained that 8-celled is exactly where they want embryos to be at day 3 (that if they grow too fast, that’s almost as bad as if they grow too slowly). And just for comparison, last time we had two average quality embryos, one 8-celled and one 10-celled. Our other embryo was 9-cells yesterday so they’re letting it continue to develop and if it becomes a good quality blast it will be frozen. I’m not holding out much hope there, but it was nice to hear that all three of our fertilized embryos had developed.
We left feeling…not quite hopeful, but peaceful…and the rest of the day was equally good. I took a nice little Valium nap on the drive home and S stopped to pick us up Irish breakfast sandwiches (picture a huge Sunday breakfast rolled into a sub 😉 ) and the fixings for a big Sunday dinner. I promptly parked myself on the recliner in the living room while S cleaned the house, and then some of our best friends came over to watch Sunday football. Honestly, the day couldn’t have been better or more relaxing.
I’m still having a hard time feeling hopeful, or really connecting with these embryos as potential babies, but I know that’s just my self-preservation talking. I’m working from home today so that I can do one more day of bed rest (although, I’m kind of convinced that I already ruined my chances due to some violent sneezing last night). 
I know, I’ve lost my mind. Anyways, at this point, the only thing getting me through these next two weeks is our planned vacation to wine country in early October – and the fact that we’ll know either way by the time we go! Celebration or self-medication…either way, wine country’s a great place to do that, right?
September 17, 2010
And my hope comes tumbling down…
I seriously feel like Humpty Dumpty…like I’ve just been smashed to pieces for the millionth time.
Just got our fert report.
Out of 7 retrieved…only 4 were mature, and 3 fertilized. I seriously never in a million years thought that less than 6 or 7 would have fertilized – I just figured that if they only got 7, then they must have hand-picked the mature ones!
I honestly don’t know what to do or think now. I called my RE to see if he recommends us transferring all three (if they even make it to transfer) and if he has any ideas as to why we got such a low number. I guess it doesn’t really matter, but I just NEED to know.
I am so discouraged. 😦
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Update: I just heard back from my RE. He reminded me that in all of my past cycles only half of the eggs were mature each time. So this cycle is comparable, it just seems lower because we started with fewer eggs. He’s still hopeful that by growing and retrieving fewer eggs that they’ll be better quality, and still seems to be relatively optimistic.
I also asked him about transferring three embryos and he was willing to discuss the possibility. However, he was pretty adamant that “age trumps quality” and said that he’s seen several instances where less than perfect quality embryos implanted in younger patients. He brought up the idea of selective reduction in the case of triplets, and when I said that we would never consider that, he said “then we can’t transfer three.”
So all in all, I’m still nervous, but I feel a bit better…just trying to stay calm and hopeful.
September 16, 2010
Some good news
I’m happy to report that the retrieval today was completely uneventful! I feel much better than previous retrievals, actually pretty good considering.
I ended up having my primary RE and one of my other favorite docs perform the procedure and they made me feel very relaxed and comfortable. They were right regarding the quantity of eggs – we got 7, which is the fewest I’ve ever come out of a retrieval with – I’m just hoping that all 7 are mature and good quality!
I’ll post again tomorrow once I get the fert report. Everybody keep your fingers firmly crossed!
September 14, 2010
Surprise!
We’re triggering tonight for retrieval on Thursday!
I know…I’ve been a terrible blogger this cycle – sorry friends! My 12+ hour days at work combined with my complete ambivalence towards this cycle means that I haven’t really acknowledged that this cycle was happening. Added to that is the fact that I’ve been on stims for much less time this cycle and it was practically over before I realized it had begun!
Last night marked our tenth and final day of stims, whereas with my previous cycles I was stimming between 15 and 20 days each time. I am hopeful that less messing around with my eggs will mean better quality, because it’s definitely looking like we’re going to have less by way of quantity (mature eggs) this time. I told S to remind me of that (quality not quantity!) when I wake up from anaesthesia on Thursday and get my egg count. 😉
I’m still feeling pretty numb…but as one of my BF’s said, I’ve tried every other attitude (positive, negative…) so I may as well try just not caring! I’m not sure when, or even if, I’ll start to feel hopeful again, but in the meantime, if anyone has some hope or prayers to spare, I’d greatly appreciate you sending them my way. 🙂
September 10, 2010
Some things should just not be posted on FB.
I know that I have a lot of catching you guys up to do, but I just had to post a quick WTF!
My brother’s girlfriend is donating her eggs (don’t worry, I definitely have a post to write and a few choice words to share on that one), and today her FB status says:
“egg harvesting day!!”
And yes, she knows that we are mid-cycle for our last treatment attempt.
Life by the Day 