July 8, 2009

Why I blog

Posted in Blog, Infertility at 9:30 am by lifebytheday

I recently came across a fellow IF-sufferer’s new blog – http://ifashley.blogspot.com/.  Ashley has eloquently (much more so than I ever could) explained why she has created her blog – and her reasons rang so true for me, so I thought I’d share them. (Ashley – hope you don’t mind!)

Why would I share something so deeply personal with random strangers? There are a few reasons:

1. Sensitivity training. Even though I know in my heart that you are just excited, it can sometimes be brutally painful to look at pictures of your uterus on Facebook or hear how you get pregnant just by looking at a (fill in the blank with your word or choice). Watching people rub their bellies or going to a dinner where the only thing people talk about is their pregnancies can lead to days of misery for someone like me, which leads me to #2 . . . .

2. 20% of people have issues with infertility. Maybe you know someone else who is not so forthcoming with this information who you care about who is also silently suffering. Most infertile people do not share this with others and that is a personal decision. But if they do, I hope I can inspire you to show support for their struggles by airing out my dirty laundry on the internet.

3. Education. I had no idea what some people have to go through to accomplish parenthood. I have learned many hard, but good lessons. There are all different ways to achieve this if you are struggling. I am a regular person. I am not OctoMom. I am not rich. I do not desire this to control what type of baby I have. I just really want to enjoy the experience of becoming a parent, but my body refuses to perform the functions necessary to get there. And also, I don’t need to just relax, I have a medical issue (in case you were thinking of saying that). Most medical insurance companies do not cover this because it is not treated as a disease so maybe you can learn a little and realize there is a lot to going through infertility.

4. You may be where I am. If you are struggling with this, I want you to know that you aren’t on your own. Infertility sucks, it is up and down. I have no idea what I’m doing with this IVF and hope that I can help someone else out by providing real life information about the process.

5. You might be nosy. Hey, maybe you just want to read about someone else’s business! That’s cool, I do it all the time. Maybe you are one of the people who have asked me 7 million times when I’m going to have kids, so here is your answer (don’t worry, I forgive you).

6. Therapy. Getting it out makes me feel better!

For me, #’s 2, 4 and 6 are the big ones – I feel better getting my thoughts and feelings out of my head and onto the screen, and if I can find someone else going through the same thing (to either help or use as a resource), then all the better!  I’ve also found that the more I talk about it and educate people, the fewer insensitive comments I hear.  I hope that by more women talking about infertility, we’ll raise awareness for all future mothers (and fathers!)-to-be!

July 7, 2009

Penny for my thoughts…

Posted in House, Infertility, Life at 8:36 am by lifebytheday

I’m sure many of you have noticed that I haven’t mentioned anything IF-related in quite some time.  For weeks now, I’ve had all kinds of conflicting thoughts bouncing around in my head – I’ve decided it’s finally time to get them out before my head explodes!

I still haven’t seen AF, nor any sign of OV, and I’ve kind of been pulling an ostrich – burying my head in the sand and trying to pretend like everything is alright, or at least that it doesn’t bother me.  Since we went on a “break” from IF treatments (about nine months ago), I’ve had to force myself not to think about “trying” as much – which is hard for someone used to tracking cycle days, hormone levels, drug dosages, etc!

Some days I don’t think about it at all – which is a really nice break mentally and emotionally – but other days I feel SO guilty, like I’m being selfish and just wasting time.  Logically, I know that’s not true – I’ve been eating better, doing acupuncture, and taking herbs – all things that are helping to make my body more ready to be pregnant.  It’s so hard though – time just goes by so fast and it’s hard not to feel like I should be doing something more actively.  I have to keep telling myself that “actively” pursuing treatments didn’t actually work any better – it’s been about a year since our last failed IVF treatment put me in the hospital – and that the acupuncture still might work.

S and I had a long talk (while driving up to my cousin’s wedding ;-)), and agreed that we’d continue as is through the end of the summer (I couldn’t start anything back up yet anyways – still have so many more out-of-town weddings!), and then will pursue another round of IVF.  Everything is made more challenging, of course, by the dreaded M-word.  Money.  My company was supposed to change insurance plans, to one that covered IF treatments at 100% (a law in MA), but again, managed to find the loophole that allowed them to avoid that.  So…I have a new plan with a $5K maximum (not even enough for one round of IVF), which means S and I have to do some serious SAVING. 

However, we are also planning to renovate our bathroom in early fall (desperately needed – I told S that I’d delay the next round of IVF so that I have a nice new bathroom for me to do my shots in, a new tub to take warm baths for my aching ovaries, and a new toilet to puke in once we finally get pregnant! :-P).  So saving and paying for that has to come first, which means IVF goes on the back burner again.

I really think I’m okay with it though…saving and planning (my favorite thing to do, can you tell? ;-)) for a while will enable us to get through the busy summer time and then pursue a second opinion at a new clinic (something I’ve been planning to do for the past year).  Then, when we’re financially ready to start back up, everything else will be in place.  Plus, we’ll be shifting into winter clothes so I’ll be able to hide my medicine bloat belly. 😛

I just have to focus on one day at a time, and try to remember that I will be a mother, someday.