February 14, 2011
I woke up yesterday with some sort of ridiculous chest congestion, and after church and a quick grocery shop, arrived home in tears because I was having a hard time breathing. I also knew by then that I was getting worse not better, and that I would probably be ruining our Valentine’s Day/7 year anniversary celebration (we’re bumping the second part up a little bit, because we think we’ll probably be a little busy on June 12th 😉 ).
S calmed me down and tucked me into bed with a Vicks VapoRub back massage and a heating pad and I napped while he cleaned the house. Once I woke up, I felt a little better so we went out shopping for a much needed new winter jacket for me. By the time we were standing at the checkout counter, I knew that our fancy dinner out was never going to happen, so S cancelled and made plans for a romantic night in. Dinner was just what I wanted (steak and mashed potatoes), but I crashed so fast that we never made it to the “romantic” part. I was in bed asleep by 9:05.
I had really been looking forward to a night out with S, but his attitude and the way he took care of me all day was almost more romantic than chocolate and flowers. I am so proud and lucky to be married to him, and I can’t wait to see him taking care of our child the way he takes care of me and our furbabies.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all of my friends and supporters! I wish you all a day where you bask in the glow of all of the people that care about you. Much love!
June 10, 2010
Hi friends, sorry I’ve been MIA. I haven’t been feeling well for quite a while…and on Tuesday my cold turned into a sinus infection that was discharging from my EYE. I didn’t even know that was possible! Truly disgusting. So now I’m just trying to keep up my energy enough to do some paperwork that is due by EOD tomorrow.
I’m taking a break from work to write this post because I need to share two things that have given me hope over the past few days. The first is my amazing husband. Those of you that know us in real life or who have been reading my blog for any length of time know that S and I often butt heads because we are very different but equally passionate and stubborn. This entire IF process has challenged us like nothing else, but seeing how strong our relationship is after this latest disappointment has proved to me that there is nothing that we can not accomplish or get through together.
Four years ago, S would not even have considered adoption, and the amount of money necessary to do so would have sent him over the edge. Now he just wants us to have a family and more than anything, for me to be happy and healthy. He has been the one encouraging me to start thinking about adoption and keeps reminding me that I didn’t give birth to Bailey and Killian (now that would have been a feat!), but that we couldn’t love them more if we had. He’s even considering taking on a MASSIVE job that would give us the money we need to adopt in just about six months.
The other thing that he has done to suprise me recently was an incredibly positive reaction to my conversation with the therapist last week. Not only was he so happy that it made me feel better and super supportive about my decision to meet with her again, he also mentioned that he’d like to come WITH ME to meet her in the future. This from my husband who previously didn’t believe in therapy of any kind.
We have both grown and matured so much over the past six years, and I can’t tell you what an amazing realization that is just two days before our anniversary. I honestly can’t imagine going through life with anyone else, and I feel very lucky to be married to my true soul mate.
The other thing that has helped me feel better recently is what I’m calling my tour de therapy. It started on Friday with the IF specialist, and then continued this week – on Monday I met a fellow IF friend for lunch to talk about her experiences with infertility and adoption, yesterday I met one of my best friends for breakfast (who has been through enough in her baby-making journey that she truly understands what I’m going through), and next week I’m having lunch with another friend who has had baby-making challenges.
It has really helped me to talk through things with people who have been there, and to start working through some of my other options. I know that we have a long road ahead of us, regardless of our next few decisions, but I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that I will survive no matter what happens. And regardless of how it needs to happen, we WILL have a family some day.
October 14, 2009
One of the biggest challenges for me in my adult life has been letting go…and I’m definitely still learning. I am a super perfectionist, and since I don’t expect other people to be as anal as I am, I often find myself doing more than is really needed. I recently joked with my parents that Anal 1 (Mom) + Anal 2 (Dad) = Anal x 10 (me!). As I’ve grown into my adult self however, I’ve definitely become a bit more laid back. A large part of that is due to S, who is NOT an anal procrastinating perfectionist. 😉 He’s very particular about his work (and certain other things, when they matter), but in general, he just does his best and then lets the rest go. Since marrying S, I’ve learned to let go of my notion of a perfect house. I’ve realized that some nights, it’s more important to have an early night with my husband than it is to leave the kitchen clean and the dishes done.
Bailey (and now Killian) has also provided me with a great lesson in letting go. Since Bailey was a puppy, she has gone to work with S (one of the perks of owning your own business). At first, it was because she wasn’t potty trained and couldn’t last all day, but it became a great way for her to be socialized with other people and animals, and she has now become the “shop dog.” S is much more laid-back than I am, but I had to trust that he would make sure she was fed, watered, taken out, and safe from the wide variety of tools and other things spread around the shop. There have been a few mishaps (S has on occasion been spotted running down the street after Bailey, who’s running down the street after some kids on bikes 😉 ), but obviously, Bailey is healthy and happy and I owe that, in large part, to S. People say that dogs give couples a chance to develop a sense of responsibility before having kids, but for us, Bailey gave us a chance to develop our sense of shared responsibility. I don’t feel like I have to do everything, which is a big accomplishment for me.
There is one aspect of my life, however, where I haven’t been able to let go. Our inability to have a baby has forced me to be very “in control” of the entire IF process, as you all know. Deep down, I know that I should “let go, and let God,” that everything happens for a reason, and at the time it is meant to happen – but it is SO hard to actually LIVE by those principles. I know that God meant for me to be a mother, I just hope that his plan includes biological children! And if not, I hope he gives me the strength to move forward with his alternate plan. I truly believe that once I am able to 100% let go and put myself and our future children into his hands, that it will happen…I just hope I can do that sooner rather than later!
October 5, 2009
I found a great article on Boston.com this morning when I signed on to do my daily news and blogs review – “Will he hold your purse?” http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2009/10/04/will_he_hold_your_purse/?p1=Well_MostPop_Emailed4. The article caught my eye for its timeliness – since my wonderful husband did a stint as purse holder on Saturday night. Actually, not only did he hold my purse, but he came to join us out after working in the bathroom all day, got lost and spent an hour driving around Boston, and then accompanied us to a drag queen dinner show. 😛 Some of my best friends turn 30 on Tuesday, so we organized a “high class” bar crawl. Although, I’m not sure if drag queens equal high class, but oh well, lol! I’m trying to enjoy my last few “drinkable” outings, and hoping that I won’t be able to drink very soon. 😉
So back to the article. It talks about how it’s more important to pick a partner based on how they handle the tough times, than on specific at-the-moment interests. My favorite quote – “When you’re a single woman picturing the guy of your dreams, what matters a heck of lot more than how he handles a kayak is how he handles things when you’re sick.”
For those of you that don’t know us personally, S and I don’t always see eye to eye. 😉 We are very different, but are both pretty stubborn and passionate (which makes for some doozies of fights), but one thing I know is that he will always be there for me, through anything. After shedding a few tears reading this article – yes, sitting in my cube at 8am – I thought I’d share some of my favorite S taking care of me stories.
- When S and I were first dating, I went to visit him in Ireland and came down with a terrible ear infection. He brought me back early from our romantic weekend away, took me to the doctor for meds, and then didn’t kill me after I blamed my penicillin allergic reaction on him not cleaning the tub well enough.
- A year or so later, when I was living in Ireland, I got another (double) ear infection. (Ireland and I don’t really get along – I always get sick when we go back to visit, lol.) After waking up to me sobbing and rocking back on the floor, he called us a cab and took me to the emergency room, where they gave me some pain killers and I promptly passed out on a stretcher in the hallway. All I remember from that night is him asking the doctor if he could have more of that medicine to bring home. LOL!
- After we had moved back to the States, there was one particular night where we went out to a mini high school reunion. After getting me back to my parents’ house, a bit worse for the wear, he managed to pick the lock to my father’s office (where I had locked myself in and then passed out), got me showered, changed and put to bed, and then cleaned up the vomit from various spots along the way. I mean, if that doesn’t say love, what does? 😉
- More recently, and a bit more seriously, is how S has handled our infertility treatments. I don’t even think I can pinpoint one particular instance, but through every step of the way, he has been there for me with just the right mix of humor and compassion. Whether it is signing our IVF consent forms (deciding what we’d do with frozen embryos if one or the other of us died, disappeared or divorced), bringing me food and treats and taking care of the laundry while I’m on bed rest after an embryo transfer, or sitting in the ER and holding my hand while I get a blood transfusion, S always knows (even when I don’t) whether I need a hug, or a joke, or a kick in the pants.
This is what I wish for all of you – to find the person that, while not perfect, is perfect for you. Here’s a personal ad you can use, quoted from the purse article. 😉
WANTED: A partner for richer or poorer and for better or worse and absolutely, positively in sickness and in health. A partner for fishing and French food and beach walks and kayak trips, but also for phone calls from physicians with biopsy results. A guy who knows that while much of marriage is a 50-50 give-and-take, sometimes it’s more like 80-20, and that’s OK, even when the 80-20 phase goes on and on.
Thank you S, for everything. I love you.
June 1, 2009
So today is the seventh anniversary of the day S and I started dating.
In an attempt to be cute, I sent him a quick text this morning saying “Happy anniversary! Hope you’re not feeling itchy… ;-)” but somehow instead of typing “7” I wrote “4.”
A little while later I got a call saying “who’s 4th anniversary with you is it?” Oy. LOL
May 22, 2009
I was reading some back issues of Real Simple on the train this morning, and found a quote that I wanted to share.
“The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift…”
~J.K. Rowling, 2008 Harvard commencement address
Reading something like this reminds me to remember (and believe) that God never gives us more than we can handle. Life isn’t always easy, there are up and downs around every corner, but step by step, we’ll get through them, and be stronger for it. The past few years have been a constant struggle for S and I, but we’ve learned alot from them, both about ourselves and our relationship. I know that he’ll be there for me through anything – whether that means cracking jokes in the ER, or just doing a load of laundry – and that we can survive the darkest days, together.
Wishing you all strength, hope, and peace as you face whatever challenges life throws your way.
February 5, 2009
Last night, S and I went out to look for a new sheet set, and two hours later, came home with a 42′ plasma TV! I’m still not quite sure what happened, but I know that S has wanted a plasma for years, and has not stopped talking about it since we moved into our house last May. I guess this is one of the differences between men and women, but we have a perfectly good TV and I just couldn’t justify the purchase on top of our mortgage and all of our infertility bills! S agreed, but little did I know that he’s been squirreling away money, just waiting for the chance to buy a plasma.
So we were out at the mall last night and drove by Circuit City (who just happens to be going out of business and offering all sorts of ridiculous deals), so S asked if we could go in and “just see…” Long story short, we drove away with a plasma in the car!
I’m feeling so conflicted…we have so many other things that we could use the money for, but S has been so understanding (well mostly!) with all of the money we’ve spent on treatments, acupuncture appts, organic food, herbal supplements, blah, blah…that I feel guilty for being annoyed. He works so hard, and if this is the one splurge that makes him feel happy, then I guess we’ll survive. I won’t be telling him that though…he “owes” me one! Maybe a trip to the spa 😉