March 31, 2010
Day by day
Thanks for all of the insightful comments on my last post. I know that this fear won’t actually prevent me from desperately wanting, and continuing to try for, a baby…but it definitely adds another layer of worry. To be honest though, my job has completely taken over my life and I haven’t even had the time or mental energy to worry (or even think!) about our next cycle – which is kind of nice. Tonight is my last active BC pill of the first pack, so it will be another few weeks before I even have to re-start Lupron. All I’m doing now is the BC, Metformin, prenatals, and fish oil – which definitely takes a few glasses of water to choke down every evening – but is significantly less demanding than the injections. Right now, I’m lucky to take the pills within the same two-hour window every night, let alone at the exact same time which the shots require! I’m glad that I made the decision to delay our next cycle a bit, and hope that I’ll be “relaxed” enough by May to give our embies a good shot. 🙂
In other news, things are finally getting a bit better at work. I have finally made the rounds with my key customers and have started to organize things MY way, which makes it so much easier. Besides just feeling like I know what I’m doing a bit more now, I think it’s better because I’ve finally realized that I can’t do it all, so I’ve stopped trying. On Sunday night, I spent about an hour (when I should have been working) giving myself a manicure and pedicure, and that has seriously made a difference in my entire week. Whenever I look down at my nails, I smile, take a breath, and relax…partly because they look nice, but also because they remind me that I’m doing my best, and that’s all anyone can ask of me (and more than that, its all I can ask of myself).
So, I’m definitely not out of the woods yet, but I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. (Sorry for the mixed metaphor there, lol.) To all of my IRL friends, thanks for being patient with my MIA-ness…I promise that I’ll make it up to you!
March 26, 2010
What ifs and worry
A friend of mine (the friend that I mentioned earlier) recently got some scary news at her 20 week ultrasound. Without going into too much detail, it could be nothing, or it could be something pretty devastating, but they won’t know for sure until the baby is born. So now they just have to wait (and worry!) for the next 4 1/2 MONTHS of her pregnancy.
I honestly don’t know what I would do if we had to deal with something like that…AFTER everything else we’ve been already been through. I’ve only been thinking about the possible risks of having the babies prematurely (a likelihood if we were to have twins), but I definitely had not acknowledged the possibility of something being wrong with our baby/babies totally UNRELATED to infertility/treatments. I mean, things happen, but to spend YEARS and THOUSANDS, not to mention all the blood, sweat, and tears, trying to have a baby, and then have to deal with some sort of totally random illness or abnormality?!? I think I would have a really hard time believing in God’s plan at that point…
So now I’m just scared. It kind of makes me afraid to cycle again…afraid to hope.
March 25, 2010
Be careful what you wish for.
So….yeah. I definitely spoke too soon. Tuesday’s cold was nothing compared to the plague of death that arrived yesterday. I went to bed on Tuesday night with my day on campus all planned out for Wednesday, but spent the whole night awake, tossing and turning because I couldn’t breathe, and then spent yesterday curled up in a miserable ball on the couch. I felt dizzy and woozy (so much that I couldn’t even read, so just vegged in front of the TV all day) and was afraid to take a shower until S came home for fear that I’d pass out. Last night was definitely one of the “for worse”s in our marriage…hadn’t washed my hair since Monday morning, red/swollen/flaky nose, and lots of “can you get me…?” whining. Lol!
So this morning, I knew that I had to buck up and go through with my planned campus visit, especially since it was a relatively local school, and small enough that there were only a few people that I actually had to see. The day started going downhill as soon as I got in the shower. I started feeling very woozy and knew that I couldn’t stay in the shower for long (so there went my hopes for shaving my legs for yet another day :-P), and actually made S come help me over the tub ledge and out of the shower. I sat down and had breakfast (oatmeal and OJ) thinking that might help, but nothing. So I got ready slowly, dried my hair sitting down, and held on to whatever I could while I was walking around the house. So pathetic.
Then, once I got in my car, I actually felt like the world was too bright, too loud, too fast…I was afraid to drive because I didn’t think my reflexes would actually work (!), so I drove like an 80 year old and turned the 25 minute drive into 45. So now I’m on campus, in between appointments, trying to buck up and make it ’til my last appointment at 3 o’clock. The worst part? My boss is joining me on campus tomorrow, so he can see how far (or not) I’ve progressed, and I don’t even know if I’ll remember my name by then! 
March 23, 2010
I’ve never been so excited to be sick.
In the midst of pumping out his basement last week (repeatedly), S came down with a terrible head cold. I kiddingly said to him and my mother that it would be nice to catch his cold because then I’d have to take a day off. I’m sure you all know what’s coming… Yup. I’m an idiot.
So now I’m dying of a cold (oh, and btw, S is just now getting over his, so it’s not just a minor cold), and I still need to go on campus. I did take a work-from-home day today, caught up on some paperwork, and skipped a miserable day walking around Cambridge in the rain. I have a busy week ahead of me, but it definitely was nice to stay at home in my pjs today.
And now, only three more days til another day off…just three more days…I can do three days, right?!?
March 21, 2010
Thank God for the sun
I’m sure this isn’t news to most of you, but we’ve had really lousy weather in MA for quite a while now. Lousy enough to mean that S’s shop basement flooded…over and over and over. The rivers around us are so high that the water actually seeped up through the bottom of the concrete! So needless to say, it has felt AMAZING to have a few days of 60+ weather and SUNSHINE!!! It was actually so warm on Thursday and Friday that I was SWEATING! Before I went in to each professor’s office, I had to wipe my upper lip and fix my hair, lol. But no way was I complaining. 😉
So this weekend (even though I probably could have worked for all 48 hours of it), I took yesterday completely OFF. I caught up on my DVR and read a book, and then sat outside in the sun for HOURS and started another. 😉 S was so cute, he told me not to do ANY work – not house work, not work work, not anything. So I took him up on it…and it was WONDERFUL.
As wonderful as yesterday was, I woke up today feeling super stressed, so I’ve been working most of the day. S is being so supportive…vacuumed the whole house, got food for dinner, and then left me alone to do what I needed to do. I know he’s getting tired of never seeing me, and when he does see me, of me not having any energy left for him, but he knows how important it is for me to make this work, and he’s doing what he can to help.
I’m hoping that things continue to get better, and easier…and that the next four weeks pass by QUICKLY. Keep your fingers crossed for me. 🙂
March 16, 2010
Melting down
For the first time in years, I cried on Sunday night…in anticipation (and dread!) of the week ahead. And that was after working 4-5 hours on Saturday and again on Sunday, so it’s not like I was even mourning the end of a relaxing weekend! I know that I did this to myself, which makes it hard to complain about it…but right now, this job is sucking the life out of me. I haven’t had quality time with S in about a month, and he’s starting to lose patience…and I’m just so TIRED. I just can’t keep up! I mean, I like all of the individual aspects of the job (I think)…there are just too many of them!
I realized after my last post that I was absolutely leading the witness…asking you guys questions in a way that you could only answer one way. But seriously, in the past few days I have done some real soul searching and have finally accepted the fact there is NO WAY that I could physically or mentally handle cycling right now. And even if I pushed through and did it, I’d be so stressed an exhausted that my embies wouldn’t stand a chance!
So as much as it sucks to delay MORE, we’re going to sit tight until April and hope that work dies down like everyone has been promising me. Wish me luck…!
March 15, 2010
Low point
This morning I noticed that the cellulite on my @$$ was showing through my work pants in the form of strange lumps. I immediately put on full bottomed underwear…and started planning an intervention!
I guess walking 20 miles a day isn’t going to miraculously fix how out of shape I am.
And the cellulite cream I bought? Not working.
March 13, 2010
Now what?
Wow, I just can’t seem to keep up with my blog writing and blog reading – sorry friends!
This job is certifiably INSANE – literally 16 hour days with NO time for FB or blogging. Boo. It’s also a lot more physically challenging – I’m on my feet all day (made slightly better by my new not-so-stylish Dan.sko clogs ;-)) – walking, walking, walking. I actually think that I’m moving in the direction of being in better shape, which will hopefully inspire me to start working out again. So that’s the good part, but the sheer amount of work involved in this job has been difficult to navigate. The other night S said “you actually work from the minute you wake up until the minute you go to bed, huh?” Umm, yeah. SUCKS.
The problem is compounded because not only am I new, but this is also the busiest time of year in my industry. Everyone says that it gets better by the end of April – I can survive another 4-6 weeks, right? I just keep thinking that I couldn’t possibly do this job pregnant and that maybe that’s why the last cycle didn’t work out. God knew that I couldn’t handle it and forced an early cancellation so that I could move on with my life. But now, I have to decide what to do next.
The RE’s office called me with the details for my next cycle – starting Lupron on March 25th, stims on April 6th, and the retrieval tentatively scheduled for April 15th. And now I feel so torn. For the past FOUR years of infertility treatments, I have basically gone full steam ahead (at least as much as our finances would allow) and would cycle whenever the RE let me. But right now, I just don’t know whether my body can physically handle it. I obviously want to be pregnant ASAP, but I worry about the effect of all of the stress and physical strain on me, my eggs, and our embie(s).
As much as I hate to wait MORE before being pregnant, I actually think that the most responsible thing to do would be to delay for an extra month or so, so that the stims and retrieval would be in May, not April. I could get through the busy time without feeling bloated and sore (esp. since the DR’s basically put me on modified bedrest once I get going on stims – hence the no working out, for YEARS, lol). That way, once we DO get pregnant, I’ll have a few quiet months at work to get through any morning sickness or ickyness. Then by the time work gets busy again, I’ll be able to tell people that I’m pregnant and can’t carry textbooks around. 😉
I keep going back and forth…S has basically said that because it’s my body AND my job, that I have to make the final decision, but he tends to agree. He was really funny, he made some comment about how “we always try to do too much…that we COULD handle it, but maybe we should try to ‘switch it up’ and just try to focus on one thing at a time.” Another consideration (although clearly more minor) is a long-distance wedding that we’ll be attending on April 24th. It’s with a group of college girlfriends that I haven’t seen since MY wedding six years ago, and it would be much easier to just be able to drink and not have to fake it (or try to explain that I *might* be pregnant but don’t know for sure).
So what do you all think? Stall, and cycle in May?? Or suck it up and just move forward? Opinions wanted, please!
March 7, 2010
In the trenches
Hi friends! I know that I have a lot to catch you up on – I’ll post more soon, I promise! – but for now, I just wanted to post a quote from a fellow blogger, Communique. I’m starting to catch up on my blog reading, and was so touched by one of her recent posts. She has just had her third “failed” IVF cycle, and captured the depth and range of emotions so well, that I just had to share.
…all I feel is incredible hurt and guilt.
Guilt cos again my body has wasted a vast amount of money, money that was given to us by my in-laws. Guilt for what I’m putting my husband through cos he married a dud. Guilt for the hurt that my messed up body causes for those around me who for some reason (God alone knows why) love me.
Hurt cos I feel so lost and forgotten by God. I feel like I’m standing in this vacuum screaming and shouting for Him to hear me, to acknowledge me in some small way and He’s standing with his back to me with his earphones on full blast tuned into everyone else but me. I wish with all my heart that if this is His way of showing me that I’m not meant to be a Mom that He would take this desire out of my heart. That He would remove the longing in my eyes when I see or hold another person’s baby. That He would ease the ache I feel when I hear children call someone else (it’s always someone else) Mommy.
I’m grateful that I don’t feel those painful feelings right now, but man, do I know how she feels. I could have written every single one of those sentences, and hearing those things brings the feelings rushing back. I keep telling myself that I’m not “broken,” that it’s not my fault, and that God hasn’t forgotten me…but some days it’s just so hard to stay positive. I have been so busy and overwhelmed lately (more on that later) that I literally haven’t had the mental energy to think about IF, which actually has been really nice. But I know that as soon as we get underway again (with IVF cycle #4!), that I’ll be right there with her. I hope that I can stay positive and hopeful, but again, easier said than done.
So to my friend Communique – thank you for capturing and explaining our emotions so perfectly. Please know that there are people out here sending you lots of prayers and virtual hugs…wishing and hoping the dream comes true for all of us!
Life by the Day 