May 29, 2010
Hoping for peace
As I write this post, I’m sitting on a rocking chair, in front of an open screen door, gazing out onto a perfectly calm lake. S, his bro, my parents, brother, and I are up in Maine at our cottage (read: shack) for the long weekend. Although it’s pretty rustic – we have an outhouse, an outside shower, and pump water from the lake for dishes and bathing – the front door opens onto a beautiful sandy beach, and the water begins twenty feet from the door. This place has always been our escape, and I’m hoping that it works again this time. I tend to bring up lots of books and just check out, until it’s time for dinner, drinks and campfires with our neighbors and close friends.
It feels different now though. It took until S and I got married for me to be considered an “adult” among the crew, and since I’m the oldest of my brothers and cousins (and most of my generation of friends up here as well), there hasn’t been any pressure for us to have kids, except for the pressure I put on myself. I just feel like it’s time now though…to have little ones laughing and running around, in sun hats and swimmies…filling some of the empty places in my soul. But I’m hoping that the sun and fresh air will help a little in the meantime…
May 27, 2010
The good wife
Oh, and did I mention that S’s bro (one of his FOUR brothers, and two sisters) arrived from Ireland last night, and is staying with us until June 21st? Yeah.
I really don’t mind – especially since S gave up his friends, family, and COUNTRY for me eight years ago – but the timing seriously couldn’t be worse.
I guess the only thing that’s good about not being pregnant right now is the fact that I won’t be morning-sick and puking in M’s ear. 
May 26, 2010
Struggling
I’m still struggling. After spending Monday morning crying so hard that I had to ice my face before my noon-time appointment, I’ve been trying to push my thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind, just in order to survive.
Yesterday I felt better…or I did until Aunt Flo arrived. I thought I’d at least have a week before she showed up, to enjoy my husband 😉 and enjoy feeling good for a change. But no, I didn’t even make it four days after stopping the PIO…and sorry for the TMI, but this one’s a doozy. It probably doesn’t help that it’s a thousand degrees in MA (which I’m actually really enjoying), but I’m feeling really sick and woozy.
Seriously though, there is nothing more cruel than the arrival of your period after a BFN. Not only are the cramps cruelly similar to what I’ve been feeling over the past two weeks, but it’s a reminder that my womb is still empty, and that all of the drugs I’ve taken and weight I’ve gained have been for nothing.
More than anything though, I’ve really been struggling with my faith. I’m feeling so hurt and angry that I can’t even bring myself to pray. I just feel like pulling a Nancy Kerrigan (“Why me?!?”) on the man upstairs. Yesterday, I ended up emailing a fellow IF blogger who has constantly impressed me with her faith, asking for help. She reminded me of several truths that I need to try to find my way back to:
- God is good, not mean or spiteful
- God loves me
- God will not make me suffer in vain
I’m having a really hard time believing these things right now, but I know that they are true, and I hope that by reading and re-reading them, that I’ll soon be able to let God back into my heart and soul. I’m feeling too worn down to pray for myself right now, but if anyone has an extra prayer or two to send my way, I’d be truly grateful.
May 24, 2010
Negative.
I almost don’t know how to write this post, but I guess I’ll have to say it at some point…it was another negative. We’re not pregnant.
I honestly believed that this cycle had worked (and that we might even be pregnant with twins) which made the news even more devastating. S asked me to wait for him to listen to the VM, so I sat on pins and needles for 8 HOURS from the time of the call until he got home on Saturday.
As soon as the message started playing, we knew…our hearts sank and my mouth dropped…I was in total shock. I couldn’t even cry on Saturday night – but nor could I sleep – I spent the night in absolute torment, which didn’t help my state of mind yesterday.
Yesterday I had a total meltdown and then begged S to just get me out of the house and distract me, so we brought Bailey out for the day, walked around Boston and went to a family cookout, and then came home and watched the LOST season finale. Luckily by midnight I was tired enough that I was able to get some sleep.
Today I still feel numb. I honestly don’t know what to do next.
The idea of going through another cycle almost brings me to hysterics, but I’m equally unable to give up on my dream of having biological children. S wants children, but wants me to be happy and healthy more than anything, so he has started talking about adoption (which is a big step for him).
I feel like I’m on the verge of that insanity I mentioned, but I’m still not ready to adopt. I know that I would love any child as my own…but I want the chance to see who S and I could create. What would they look like? Would they be outgoing? Smart? Will I ever know?
I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen next. We’ve made it as far as to decide to schedule a follow up appointment with my RE…even though we don’t like their practice, we kind of feel like if they can’t get us pregnant, no one can. I just don’t know what I am going to do if the latter case is true.
This would be easier if I could stop believing in God, but I can’t…I just don’t understand why he is doing this to me. How could he make me want this so much and then not let it happen? Why does his plan for me include so much pain?
May 22, 2010
Beta today
I’m trying to stay calm, headed off in about a half an hour for my blood draw.
I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster for days, but yesterday I found hope in the most unlikely of places – my wax lady. ;-P I went for a bikini wax so that S and I can “celebrate” tonight either way, and I have to say that of all the people in my life, Jean knows me extremely well, lol. I walked in and she was like “are you pregnant?” And I said, “I don’t know yet, we find out tomorrow!” And she said “well I just got a feeling that you’re pregnant…”
Who knows…but I’ll take all the feelings I can get!
On another note, I have to apologize in advance – I may not post my beta results for a few days. I’m anticipating a very low weekend if it’s a negative…and S’s need for privacy (and mine for confirmation at a second beta) if it’s a positive. I hate to do that to all of you after all of the help and support you have given me over the past 2 weeks, but I hope you’ll understand. Just do me a favor and keep praying for another few days! 😉
Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend…it’s going to be great weather in MA and I plan to enjoy it!
May 21, 2010
Terrified
In just over 24 hours, we’ll know whether we’re going to be parents (in less than 9 months)…and I am FREAKING OUT.
I’m literally all over the place…
I’ve been feeling better yesterday and today, so I’ve convinced myself that it didn’t work…but definitely haven’t processed what that would feel like.
But then again, I just ordered more progesterone, on the off chance that I’ll be needing it past tonight. I have just enough for tonight, so if it’s negative, I’ll have two vials I don’t need, but if by some miracle we ARE pregnant, I couldn’t risk not being able to get more meds before the pharmacy closed for the weekend. So yippee, more $…hopefully I’ll be using those meds and not letting them gather dust in my closets like all the rest of my extra drugs.
And then there’s the age old question…to POAS (pee-on-a-stick) or not to POAS. I think since all I’ve ever seen are one lines, and 0 betas, that I don’t really believe it’s possible for a pee stick to show a positive for me. All I can remember is the millions of negatives I’ve received over the past few years…
Like, what’s the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I’m this close to being declared insane, and I don’t need a pee stick to push me over that edge. I don’t think I’ve let myself truly BELIEVE that this time could be different. I’d rather wait for the 30 second phone call that I can just DELETE if necessary.
Wow, I sound a little worked up, huh?
Now, the only really important question is what to do between 10 and 2 tomorrow, while I wait for the call and wait for S to return home (he’s going up to Maine with my dad and uncles to open the family cottage). I’m thinking a mani/pedi…just wish I could drink a few cocktails in the meantime. 😉
May 20, 2010
Wish me luck
Nothing like a spur-of-the-moment mid-year review to take your mind off the 2ww. Eeek!
Just my bad luck that I drew the short straw and am in the first group of reviews my boss will be doing TODAY. Hopefully the fact that I’ve only been in the job for 3 MONTHS means that he’ll go a little easier on me…
Wish me luck!
May 19, 2010
Symptoms or side effects?
I’ve now reached the point in my cycle where I’m starting to doubt…starting to worry that maybe all of my symptoms are just side effects of the supplementary hormones in the meds. The only thing that is keeping me hopeful is the twinges I felt earlier…but I’m seriously starting to lose it.
I even cried the other night after my progesterone shot, not because it hurt (which they do), but because I can’t imagine how my @$$ will survive 10 weeks of these shots, but at the same time, to have to do these shots for 10 weeks would mean that our deepest wish came true.
This is the point in the cycle where I think everybody worries that they’re potentially doing the shots and taking the meds for nothing. Even when you’re trying to stay hopeful, it’s just so depressing and discouraging.
More than anything though, I’m sick of feeling lousy and not having an excuse for it. I think (I hope at least!) that once I know that I’m pregnant and that the baby (or babies) are officially “stuck” and healthy that I’ll just be able to ignore some of the symptoms. But right now, they just feel like a tease.
Four more days…
May 18, 2010
Hope
Partly because I’m feeling hopeful, and partly because I’m scared $)(^!less that I’m going to jinx myself by holding onto said hope, I’m posting these quotes about HOPE for us to all see/hear, take to heart and remember. Trust me, I know that’s easier said than done, especially when you’re in that deep, dark place…but in the “hopes” that this will lighten even one person’s load, here goes:
When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God. ~Charles L. Allen
And Lord knows, we need all of the help we can get.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.
I wish there weren’t quite as many trials and sorrows in this world, but it’s true that we are all much stronger and kinder because of them.
When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.
LOL, I love this and it’s so true. At some point, things WILL get better.
Hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams become reality.
So lovely.
Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself… ‘How did I get through all of that?’
I hope this actually happens…that someday, I’ll be able to look back at all of this IF madness and sadness as just one big, bad joke.
The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes. ~Thomas Hardy
Again, so true. No one can go through IF (or any other major disappointment or sadness) 100% unscathed.
When the world says, ‘Give up,’
Hope whispers, ‘Try it one more time.’
Enough said.
Wishing you all peace, love, happiness, and HOPE.
May 17, 2010
The calm before the storm?
I am now 9dp3dt (nine days post three day transfer) and amazingly, I’m feeling pretty calm. I had a fabulous weekend – spent a lot of time outside, reading and hanging out with S, took my first trip on his new boat, and even got a little sunburned! Oh, and I can’t forget girls’ night on Saturday, even though I had to leave early so S could shoot me in the butt. 😉
I’m still feeling crampy and also strangely not interested in food. I feel like I’m getting hungry more often, but nothing really tempts me, and even when something does, I can only get about halfway through before I’m sick of it. I’m also more gassy (sorry ;-)) and just generally feel a little “off.” Between that and the cramps, I’m feeling really hopeful for this cycle – which is making the 2WW a bit easier – but will definitely make a BFN harder to handle.
I keep asking S “did I feel like this last time?” I don’t think I did.
It’s all such a mind game, but I figure that it’s better to stay positive at this point in the game, so I’m letting my hope blossom a bit.
Hopefully we can survive these next 6 days and have some good news to celebrate next weekend. 🙂
Life by the Day 