April 18, 2013
The events of Monday at the Boston Marathon have prompted me to come out of my unintentional retirement…not because I think I have anything of value to share, but because I need a place to work through my feelings and emotions. As a self-described Catholic, I struggle with events like this. Events like this – and the doubts they raise in my mind – make me question my right to call myself a “good” Christian or a “strong” Christian, but I definitely am a true Christian.
I know for sure that evil does not come from God, nor does he “allow” it, but that evil exists in the world despite God’s best efforts. At the same time though, I struggle with the sentiment that this is all God’s plan. I do not believe that he “plans” for things like this to happen…for people to die or be maimed…but I do believe that he lifts up those that he can and sets them on a path of meaning.
I choose to believe that the three people who died were chosen by God, not because they didn’t “deserve” to live, but because he knew they would be better off with him. I choose to believe that the first-responders and doctors were God in the flesh that Monday afternoon, saving as many people as they could. I also choose to believe that whoever committed this heinous act was acting on behalf of the devil and will join him in hell upon their death.
I’m using the word “choose” very carefully here. It has taken me all week (and the writing of this post) to wrap my head around how anyone could be so evil as to hurt children or people who were already at their physical (and mental) limits…and the only way I can make sense of it is to believe that the person who did this was truly the devil incarnate.
At this point all that is left to do is pray for peace in the city of Boston and for healing of those who were physically, mentally, or emotionally injured (both here and in Texas). Please join us for “wear Boston” day tomorrow, and wear anything you have that shows “Boston,” one of our sports teams, or any of the Boston or BAA/marathon colors. May God bless America and all those who strive to make the world a better place.
May 26, 2010
I’m still struggling. After spending Monday morning crying so hard that I had to ice my face before my noon-time appointment, I’ve been trying to push my thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind, just in order to survive.
Yesterday I felt better…or I did until Aunt Flo arrived. I thought I’d at least have a week before she showed up, to enjoy my husband 😉 and enjoy feeling good for a change. But no, I didn’t even make it four days after stopping the PIO…and sorry for the TMI, but this one’s a doozy. It probably doesn’t help that it’s a thousand degrees in MA (which I’m actually really enjoying), but I’m feeling really sick and woozy.
Seriously though, there is nothing more cruel than the arrival of your period after a BFN. Not only are the cramps cruelly similar to what I’ve been feeling over the past two weeks, but it’s a reminder that my womb is still empty, and that all of the drugs I’ve taken and weight I’ve gained have been for nothing.
More than anything though, I’ve really been struggling with my faith. I’m feeling so hurt and angry that I can’t even bring myself to pray. I just feel like pulling a Nancy Kerrigan (“Why me?!?”) on the man upstairs. Yesterday, I ended up emailing a fellow IF blogger who has constantly impressed me with her faith, asking for help. She reminded me of several truths that I need to try to find my way back to:
- God is good, not mean or spiteful
- God loves me
- God will not make me suffer in vain
I’m having a really hard time believing these things right now, but I know that they are true, and I hope that by reading and re-reading them, that I’ll soon be able to let God back into my heart and soul. I’m feeling too worn down to pray for myself right now, but if anyone has an extra prayer or two to send my way, I’d be truly grateful.
January 13, 2010
Today at 6am I officially got back on the wagon – the IVF wagon, that is! I did my first Lupron shot for our upcoming third (and hopefully final!) IVF cycle. The Lupron shots are always the easiest (tiny needles), so it’s nice to be able to start with those. Just grab a roll of belly fat and work away! 😉
In honor of officially beginning my cycle, I joined my mother at daily mass this morning. She had spoken with her favorite priest at our parish and asked him to say a blessing for me – at this point, I’ll take all the prayers I can get! God bless Fr. Jean – he prayed over me for a good five minutes, despite the fact that his mind must have been miles away. His family is from Haiti, the town of Port-au-Prince, which was hit most heavily by the devastation of yesterday’s earthquake. Communication is still down between Haiti and the rest of the world, so he has no idea whether his family is safe. It meant more than I can adequately convey that he took the time and energy to pray for me and to pass along strength and comfort to me. Please join me in praying for Fr. Jean-Pierre and his family in this very scary time.
I also wanted to pass along a prayer that I discovered, that I know I will be repeating many times over the next month or so…
A Prayer to St. Gerard, the patron saint of Motherhood
O glorious Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God, and wonder worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. You who always fulfilled God’s will on earth, help me to do God’s holy will. Intercede with the Giver of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, that I may conceive and raise children who will please God in this life, and be heirs to the kingdom of heaven. Amen.
Today, I am most thankful for my faith. God bless all of us.
January 7, 2010
(Sorry in advance folks, today’s post is more religion-heavy than normal. ;-))
This morning on my way to work (late!), I got stuck behind two slow-pokes on the sidewalk. As I moved out to go around them, grumbling the whole way, I heard the woman say “oh yeah, every morning that I wake up, I give thanks.” Unfortunately, that’s all that I heard, but man, was that a wake up call. As I was walking away, I almost felt like God had come down from heaven and given me a slap in the face. Lately I’ve been so lost in my own world (not loving work, still not pregnant, etc.) that I forget to be thankful for all of the things that I DO have. So, I’m adding a resolution. Every day I’m going to try to think of (AND post) at least one thing that I’m thankful for. And if I don’t, I expect you guys to call me on it! 😉
Today, I am thankful:
- For a fantastic night last night with S – nothing fancy, just a good dinner, cuddling on the couch watching a movie, cleaning up the kitchen together, and early bed. 😉
- For my new H.unter fleece socks I got for Christmas – it has finally warmed up to like 33 here in Boston and I loved splashing through puddles on the way back from lunch, while still being warm and toasty in my rain boots
- For the compliments I’ve received on the random outfit I pulled together this morning (a green sweater and cream and green print skirt), even though the first words out of S’s mouth this morning was “Is it St. Patrick’s Day?” LOL!
Finally, I just wanted to share something that I came across earlier this week. I subscribe to an email list from “Our Daily Bread,” a Christian daily devotional with a thought for the day, usually accompanied by a bible reference and prayer. I don’t always keep up with the emails, but some days they seem to be speaking directly to me, like the message posted on January 2nd.
“The highway that winds around the southern shore of Lake Michigan can be treacherous in the winter. One weekend as we were driving back to Grand Rapids from Chicago, a buildup of snow and ice slowed traffic, caused numerous accidents, and almost doubled our drive time. We were relieved as we eased off the expressway onto our final road. It was then that my husband said out loud, ‘Thanks, Lord. I think I can take it from here.’
Just as he finished saying the words, our car spun around 180 degrees. As we came to a stop, hearts pounding, we could just imagine God saying: ‘Are you sure?’ “
Why do we sometimes try to go it alone in life when at every moment we have access to God? He said: “I am with you and will keep you wherever you go” (Gen. 28:15). And He assures us: “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Heb. 13:5).
I’m going to print and post this passage, to read on those days when I need some extra help, but also on the days when I feel like everything is going well. I need to remember to appreciate what I have, thank God for it, and know that he is always with me. I’m sure everyone knows the poem “Footprints,” right? I just want to make sure that once we get pregnant (and are delivered of a healthy baby), I don’t forget how far God walked with me in his hands.