June 29, 2010
S’s party was a rip-roaring success, so I just thought I’d share some photos from the big day.
Thanks to everyone who came out to celebrate – you gave S a night he will never forget!
June 18, 2010
Wow, I can’t believe that a week has gone by since my last post…my radio silence has been a combination of a lot going on and total writers’ block. I had big plans to write an in-depth romantic post on our anniversary last weekend, but I was just too filled with emotion to put it into words. Our day was wonderful – a lazy day followed by a fantastic dinner out. We talked some more about our future plans, and my husband continued to amaze me.
It’s hard to explain how much his support and agreement means to me right now – partly because I don’t want it to sound like he doesn’t always support me, and partly because we’ve just never been this much in tune. There are obviously a lot of external factors – financial, medical, etc…that will affect our next steps, but for the first time, I know that we are on the exact same page.
There has been a lot floating around the WWW this week about the pros and cons of marriage, and again, I feel too strongly about the subject to say anything insightful at this point. Suffice it to say, I feel so incredibly lucky to have found, and be forever committed to, my soul mate. I don’t think S would be right for many other people, just like I don’t think many other people could put up with ME (!), but as my aunt said to me several years ago (after a few years of marriage to her second husband) – we’re not perfect, but we’re perfect for each other.
Speaking of my partner in crime, I’m in the process of simultaneously preparing for a 7-day business trip (to OH, on Sunday) and organizing S’s 30th birthday party a week from tomorrow! I’m due into Logan Airport next Saturday at 2pm and the party starts at 6 – no problem, right?! 😉 I’m just so grateful for my family and friends who are picking up the slack – thanks guys!
Hope you all have a great week…I’ll see you on the other side! 🙂
June 11, 2010
When I was home sick on Tuesday, S decided to take Bailey with him to work and try to get her in for a grooming appointment at a nearby salon. We’ve actually been really worried about her lately – she was really lethargic and hadn’t been eating – and we suspected that it was because she was HOT. The weather in MA has been insane – up in the 80’s and 90’s and super humid. Wonderful, but not so much for someone who’s basically wearing a winter coat every day. ;-P
So, without further ado…this is what happens when Daddy is responsible for communicating haircut instructions.
LOL!! So embarrassing.
Bailey is LOVING it though, back to eating and running around, so that’s all we care about. She’s like a completely different dog! 😉
June 10, 2010
Hi friends, sorry I’ve been MIA. I haven’t been feeling well for quite a while…and on Tuesday my cold turned into a sinus infection that was discharging from my EYE. I didn’t even know that was possible! Truly disgusting. So now I’m just trying to keep up my energy enough to do some paperwork that is due by EOD tomorrow.
I’m taking a break from work to write this post because I need to share two things that have given me hope over the past few days. The first is my amazing husband. Those of you that know us in real life or who have been reading my blog for any length of time know that S and I often butt heads because we are very different but equally passionate and stubborn. This entire IF process has challenged us like nothing else, but seeing how strong our relationship is after this latest disappointment has proved to me that there is nothing that we can not accomplish or get through together.
Four years ago, S would not even have considered adoption, and the amount of money necessary to do so would have sent him over the edge. Now he just wants us to have a family and more than anything, for me to be happy and healthy. He has been the one encouraging me to start thinking about adoption and keeps reminding me that I didn’t give birth to Bailey and Killian (now that would have been a feat!), but that we couldn’t love them more if we had. He’s even considering taking on a MASSIVE job that would give us the money we need to adopt in just about six months.
The other thing that he has done to suprise me recently was an incredibly positive reaction to my conversation with the therapist last week. Not only was he so happy that it made me feel better and super supportive about my decision to meet with her again, he also mentioned that he’d like to come WITH ME to meet her in the future. This from my husband who previously didn’t believe in therapy of any kind.
We have both grown and matured so much over the past six years, and I can’t tell you what an amazing realization that is just two days before our anniversary. I honestly can’t imagine going through life with anyone else, and I feel very lucky to be married to my true soul mate.
The other thing that has helped me feel better recently is what I’m calling my tour de therapy. It started on Friday with the IF specialist, and then continued this week – on Monday I met a fellow IF friend for lunch to talk about her experiences with infertility and adoption, yesterday I met one of my best friends for breakfast (who has been through enough in her baby-making journey that she truly understands what I’m going through), and next week I’m having lunch with another friend who has had baby-making challenges.
It has really helped me to talk through things with people who have been there, and to start working through some of my other options. I know that we have a long road ahead of us, regardless of our next few decisions, but I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that I will survive no matter what happens. And regardless of how it needs to happen, we WILL have a family some day.
June 4, 2010
…out of this deep, dark hole.
This morning I spoke to the therapist that my RE had recommended, and I think she’s really going to help. It is clear that she specializes in infertility – knew the right things to ask and say – and she also gave me some concrete ideas and things to think about. The thing that has annoyed me the most about therapists in the past is that they always tell you that “what you’re feeling is normal”. I know that! But I need you to help me process these feelings and move on with my life! I think that’s what she’s going to help me do. We’ll see how the next appointment goes…
June 2, 2010
Back from a nice long weekend, but unfortunately, reality didn’t disappear while we were away.
Yesterday, S and I met with Dr. T to talk about next steps. To be completely honest, I wasn’t – and still am not – emotionally ready for another cycle, but my cycles are so long (between the BC pills, Lupron, and my seesaw response) that I feel like I need to keep the ball rolling. S and I have agreed to do one more cycle, and if that doesn’t work, we’ll need to think seriously and carefully about a Plan B.
It may sound like I’m okay with that, but really, a little piece of me dies every time I have to acknowledge that we might not ever have biological children. Which, instead of making this easier and better as time goes by, instead is making me feel more and more dead inside.
We asked Dr. T if there were any other tests we could or should do to figure out if my eggs are the problem (he said no), and whether he thinks that the seesawing of the medication caused the embryo quality issues (again no). He said that my up and down E2 levels reflect the little follies trying to grow and being suppressed, not the lead follicles growing and stopping – which makes sense.
Aside from the fact that we obviously didn’t get pregnant, he thinks that the cycle went well – implied, “as well as can be expected with my issues.” He reminded us that I am so far outside the norm that I can’t compare myself to anyone else, but thinks that it isn’t unreasonable for us to try one more time.
We pushed him a little to suggest what we should do if this cycle doesn’t work – to which he replied that we should take it one cycle at a time – but he also agreed that we should start to discuss and consider a plan B because of the higher-than-normal risks and lower-than-normal potential with each cycle.
He confirmed that we should be looking at egg donation over surrogacy, since my response is so tenuous and we’ve not ever had perfect quality embryos – and obviously have never been pregnant – but there’s not (yet) any evidence to suggest that I can not carry a child. He also mentioned adoption and other experimental therapies, as additional options down the road.
He also strongly suggested that we talk to a therapist that specializes in infertility. I’ve seen someone before (not a specialist) and was disappointed, but I know that this is something I need to do. I’m really floundering, and am hoping that I can find someone to help me process my thoughts and emotions. S has a hard time accepting that he can’t be everything that I need, and it’s hard for me to explain. I know that he is always there for me, but I just don’t want to end up being the weak link in our marriage.
I just never thought this would be me – that 4 years and 4 IVF cycles into treatments – that we would still be without a family. I never thought that this blog would turn so depressing – I even used to try and avoid blogs like mine is now, so that I could try and stay positive while going through treatments. So for those of you still hanging around, reading my depressing thoughts, I’m sorry.
I even purposely named my blog something non-IF related, so that it would still be relevant when I was pregnant and parenting down the road. Now, those things might never happen, and I just don’t know how to move forward from here…