January 28, 2011
Brain overload…
My mind is literally spinning, like I might actually sprout wings from my temples and fly. So I’m hoping that writing down the things that I’m currently thinking/worrying about (of varying degrees of importance) will help…
- Bailey’s right eye has been bothering her for about a week now, but every time we decide to take her to the vet it gets miraculously better…until the next morning. I finally bit the bullet and am taking her to the vet this afternoon. S will be away for the weekend and I don’t want to be responsible for another emergency room trip by myself.
- Bailey’s also getting groomed today, and was – for the first time ever – terrified walking into the groomers. I asked them to please keep an eye on her but I felt like the worst mom ever leaving her there. I literally feel sick to my stomach.
- S is going ice-fishing this weekend, with my brother, cousin and a few of their friends. He is SO excited about it, I’m just hoping that they come back with all of their fingers and toes! 😉 I usually love having some time to myself, but it feels kind of bittersweet this time. I guess I’m just feeling clingy now that I’m pregnant.
- My legs are killing me, which means that the only position that helps is sitting on the couch with my legs up, which invariably makes me tired. Working from home yesterday (another snow storm) and today has NOT been productive.
- I need to exchange a pair of (skinny) jeans I got from the GAP for a bigger size, so that I can wear them to a party on Sunday. Maybe I’ll take a solo shopping trip tonight and look for a new jacket as well…
- Some family friends are coming down for the weekend to visit (staying with my parents), so it will be a busy weekend, but nice. I think that’s part of why I’ll be missing S more…not really looking forward to being the fifth – pregnant – wheel all weekend, lol.
- Will acupuncture or massage help my numb legs? I bit the bullet and made an appointment with my old acupuncturist and I’m excited, but anxious that he’s going to make me worry about something I don’t need to, or give me a hard time about my diet (which could use a few tweaks but is generally FINE).
And here’s the big one…
Should I switch OBs? Find a doula? After my last appointment, my mind has been whirling about the end part of this pregnancy thing…labor and delivery. I have so many ideas about what I want it to be (with the full awareness that the baby makes the decisions and that there’s really no point in planning too much ahead of time)…but I’m just getting nervous about getting the support that I need. S and I watched “The Business of Being Born” the other night (a film about medical intervention during labor), which just supported and highlighted the fears that I already have. That despite my not wanting intervention of any kind (unless absolutely necessary), that they’ll somehow convince me that certain things are needed or else “not a big deal.”
S is completely on board with my plan, but because he’s a bit more private than me, hesitates to get a doula involved. He says that he can advocate for us by himself…and he looked pretty ferocious when he said that. 😉 I just kind of want someone there who has been through labor before, who can tell us when things are really necessary. And don’t worry, I’m not going to try to be any kind of hero – I’ll be getting an epidural if I need one – but I don’t want someone telling me I need pitocin just because I’ve been in labor too long, etc…
I know that I have plenty of time to work things out, and if I don’t like the next OB I meet with, I definitely will be making some changes…but for some reason, I just can’t stop thinking about these things. I’m less worried that something will go wrong, than that the doctor’s will convince me that I need to do something “for the sake of the baby.” Obviously, once that phrase is pulled out, I’m all theirs…
I guess the punch-line is that I just don’t trust my OBs right now…and something has got to change.
January 26, 2011
Belly parade part II
In honor of week 21, here’s the belly parade, from 16 to 20 weeks:
16 weeks
18 weeks
20 weeks
I don’t know if anyone else can tell, but the bump is getting BIG. 😉 I officially need a new winter jacket, but its hard to find a maternity jacket rated for temps between 0 and 30! Any suggestions??
Oh! And I’ve officially felt movement, FROM THE OUTSIDE. S still hasn’t, but hopefully soon! 😀
Update – he just felt it tonight, yay!!
January 21, 2011
And another one bites the dust…
…another OB, that is. And she didn’t really bite the dust, I just don’t like her.
Of the four OBs at my practice, I’ve now met two…and I didn’t click with either of them. I think a lot of the problem is the fact that I’m used to being “special” and I’m not anymore :-P, but they have both just been really curt in their interactions. Every question I asked, I got a one word/sentence response, no reassurance, and then “other questions?” For example, yesterday, I asked her about my numb leg and whether there was anything I could do. Her response? No.
So me being me asked her if it could be a vitamin deficiency or something else that was treatable and she said “No. The only thing you could do if it keeps up is ask your PCP to refer you to a neurologist.” I mean, I’m clearly not a doctor, but there has to be some middle ground between nothing and neurologist.
The rest of the five minute appointment proceeded in similar fashion, ending with her actually being annoyed at how much the baby was moving around and how long it took her to get a heartbeat. We’ve still got a strong, active baby in there…and she did tell me that my uterus is measuring right on track (which she apparently could tell by putting her finger in my belly button)…so the appointment wasn’t a total waste.
But I mean, seriously, these are the people that are going to be delivering my baby? Have they ever heard about bedside manners?? I just hope the nurses at my hospital are as good as people say!
So now I’m looking forward to next month’s appointment where I get to meet a third OB (and the one that I actually wanted in the first place, based on online feedback), and I really hope that we click. After I’ve met all of the doc’s, I’m allowed to “choose” an OB to treat me during the end of my pregnancy…although, it could be any of the four delivering me come D-day.
I just have to keep telling myself…they’re all perfectly competent, it doesn’t matter if I like them or not, all they do is catch the baby…but it’s so hard after the kindness and care we experienced during treatments. I really hope that I made the right decision in choosing this practice…
January 19, 2011
20 week update
Holy moly, I can’t believe that we’re halfway through this pregnancy! I can’t wait to meet our baby and it feels like it’s going to take FOREVER for him/her to get here, but if the next 20 weeks go by as fast as the first, we’ll be there before we know it. I wish we had a few more major holidays to distract us, but work is going to pick up soon, so hopefully that will keep me busy!
How am I feeling? Still the same – everything is great, except for my numb leg pain. I’m definitely going to push the doctor on it when I see her (the second of the OBs I’ll be meeting) this week…maybe it is just a vitamin deficiency, or something else that’s treatable.
Total weight gain? +2 (which my 20-yr old brother thinks is totally shocking considering the size of my belly, lol!). I’m loving the fact that my love handles have all moved to my belly, but I’m actually starting to wonder, shouldn’t I have gained more by now?? If you start counting from my lowest point (assuming that the 8 lbs I lost was all IVF-bloat), then I’ve gained 10. Is that better?
Cravings/aversions? SUGAR. I have been slowly eating my way through all of the candy we got for Christmas and it has GOT TO STOP. I love the fact that the baby moves around like crazy after a sugary snack, but I’m getting worried that I’m going to end up with a spastic child if I keep this up. Plus, I’m TERRIFIED of getting gestational diabetes. Between diabetes on both sides of my family and my PCOS, I know that it is a distinct possibility and I really want to do what I can to avoid it. I figure that this week is the perfect time to really work on changing my diet. Apparently the baby starts swallowing amniotic fluid this week – to practice swallowing – and they can actually taste (and get a taste for!) whatever I’ve been eating! So I’m going to try to stock up on fruit and eat that when I have a sugar craving…wish me luck. 😉
Milestones? Halfway!! And my first prenatal exercise class on Monday night. I was completely shocked to actually be sore after class and the next day, so I’m really glad that I’m doing it. And I think I might have found two girls that I could end up being friends with, which would be an added bonus!
Updated belly parade to come soon…
January 10, 2011
Ultrasound results
Okay, I won’t keep you in suspense…we decided NOT to find out the gender (sorry Ashley)! And actually, “we” didn’t decide, S gave in and let me make the decision. Yet another time that I’ve gotten what I wanted, and yes, I know how lucky I am. 😉
I felt strongly about not finding out for several reasons…besides the fact that everybody says this is the best surprise that you can ever have, I also want the chance to do things “normal” and “natural” for once. I was never able to have the “surprise S, we’re pregnant!” moment, and I really want this surprise. Plus, we have no idea whether we’ll be able to get pregnant again, and I don’t want to have any regrets.
Also, back to my strange superstitions, having everybody know the sex makes me nervous for some reason. And then there’s the temptation to tell everybody the baby’s full name, which then makes me feel like there’s no real surprise left! So all that to say, we’re going to stay on team green…and you’ll all have to wait 4-5 months for the big reveal. 😉
And the punch line? Everything else at the ultrasound looked PERFECT! The things that they were looking out for because of S’s niece were all a non-issue…and everything else – heart, brain, spine, stomach, kidneys, fingers, toes, nose, lip – everything, is perfect! Basically, our baby is beautiful and perfect and we are SO incredibly grateful. We actually weren’t even that nervous for today’s appointment, amazingly (although we were late because I couldn’t find my lucky bracelet 😉 ), but it was still such a relief to hear the doctor say that everything looked good.
Besides a little drama when I almost passed out on the ultrasound table – not enough breakfast and too much time on my back (it took a while to get all of the measurements from our very fiesty baby) – we had a great morning and I’m so excited to continue enjoying this pregnancy.
Thank you all for the prayers and well wishes – they’re working!! 😀
January 7, 2011
18 week update
I was actually 18 weeks on Wednesday, but I was too superstitious not to post my “superstitions” post, and then yesterday passed in a blur, so here we are today. 😉
How am I feeling? Good. I’m finally getting more hungry – S loves that he has an excuse to eat every 2-3 hours with me, lol! But this sciatica thing is killing me. It’s happening more and more, and acts up within an hour of walking/standing, even sitting – by the time I finish showering and drying my hair, my right leg is completely numb. The only thing that makes it better is full-on legs-up reclining, and I’m getting really nervous about what’s going to happen when I have to go back out walking/traveling every day. I have another week left of working from home, and I’m hoping that it gets better and not worse. When I saw the dr before Christmas, he said that it should ease up once my uterus moves up and out of my pelvis, but I’ve definitely popped over the past two weeks and it hasn’t gotten any better. For the time being, I’m just trying to rest as much as possible and not get too worried about it.
Weight gain? +1 or so (although the dr’s office is always a pound or two higher than my scale). You would never know that I have only gained a pound by the size of my belly though…looks like I swallowed a basketball! So far so good in terms of the backside…
Movement? It’s still hit or miss most days, but this baby takes after his/her mama and LOVES the sugar. Whenever I have a sugary snack, s/he starts bopping around! I had an awesome experience the other night…Killian (our cat) decided to hang out on my belly for a while while we were watching tv, and I actually felt the baby in two places at the same time! I think s/he loved the warmth.
Cravings/aversions? Besides sugar, not much…I’m just getting more hungry, and not as full when I eat (thank goodness!).
Milestones? I finally caved and bought a pregnancy pillow over the weekend, and I think I’ve finally figured out the right way to position it. My hips and back felt better this morning than they have in a while.
Upcoming… Our level II ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, and I’m super excited to see the little one again, and hopefully even feel some of the movement while watching what s/he is doing! With the appointment around the corner though, the whether-or-not-to-find-out-the-gender discussion has gotten more intense. S keeps trying to make all of these deals…”if x, then we find out”… My favorite was the “if your belly button goes flat by the time of the appointment, then we find out.” LOL! I think I’m safe, but barely…I’m not going to have an innie for very much longer!
January 5, 2011
Superstitions
You all know by now that I’m not a very superstitious person, but lately I’ve been realizing that some strange things are making me nervous.
And this is after all of the things that should have made me superstitious but didn’t:
- starting to decorate the nursery (I mean, I painted before we were even pregnant!)
- ditto for buying a diaper bag pre-BFP
- talking/telling people about the baby during the first trimester
- posting our news on FB
- starting a registry very early
- even talking with my mom about my baby shower, already
But these are some of the things that I’ve been superstitious about:
- calling the priest that prayed for us to tell him we’re expecting (I called him when I was about 8 weeks and left a message, but got too nervous to return his message and call back!)
- writing an email to my old boss and friend (she finally found out and emailed me…but seriously, why could I post it on FB, and not write an email??)
- and this is the doozy – giving/throwing away my infertility meds.
Every day, I see them at the bottom of my cabinet and every day I say to myself “I should really go through those…” At first, I was waiting until we made it through the first trimester, even though I had no real reason to doubt that we would…and now? I don’t know what I’m waiting for.
It’s not like I really want the reminder of all of that pain and frustration, but for some reason, I don’t feel like I will ever be a “normal” pregnant woman, and somehow having those meds reminds me that I’m not. Super twisted, I know.
January 3, 2011
What a New Year it will be…
So much for posting my New Year’s resolutions on New Year’s Day…Saturday ended up being a rough day (for a variety of reasons) that culminated in a trip to the emergency vet clinic with Bailey for a severe ear infection. (She’s fine now!) S and I remarked that it had been a year+ since we had been to the vet with her for anything but a check-up…I guess she’s getting us ready for pediatrician visits in a few months. 😉 And then we spent yesterday shopping, doing errands, and getting ready for reality today.
So I’ve had a lot of time to think about how I feel about this new year, and I’m afraid that this is one of those instances where I am filled with so much emotion that I can’t really express it. 2010 was a year of ups and downs…a new (very stressful) job, two failed IVF cycles, the decision (and resulting depression) to end fertility treatments and start looking into adoption, followed by a miracle pregnancy and very successful first trimester. It is finally starting to sink in that by the end of 2011, we will have an almost 7 month old baby…and basically, next year couldn’t look more different.
I am SO looking forward to getting to meet our baby and see what he/she looks like, acts like, and how much joy they bring to our lives. I am looking forward to continuing to grow in my relationship with S, and adding a new dimension to our relationship as parents. And I am looking forward to new challenges and changes in my work/life balance, that only time (and little bit of luck) will tell. I know that next year won’t be all uphill…but right now it is very full of hope and happiness and I just can’t wait to live the hell out of it! 🙂
Besides my plans to stay healthy and happy (and zen) throughout the rest of my pregnancy, I am giving myself a more concrete resolution for next year. I am going to send a birthday card to each and every one of my friends and family members, with the intention of getting the card to them on or before their actual day. Although this probably sounds lame (and not very difficult), I am terrible about keeping track of people’s birthdays and I always feel guilty about it. I love receiving cards, so I am going use these cards to show and tell people how very much they mean to me. And I really want to get back into the habit of corresponding with people (beyond an occasional FB message), and I’m pretty sure that if it doesn’t happen by the time the baby’s born, it never will.
So there you have it…my hopes and resolutions for the next year. Wishing you all a year full of happiness and peace, and all those things that your heart truly desires.
Life by the Day 