May 27, 2009
Last night, I got a stern talking to by my acupuncturist. That I needed to stop worrying and freaking out, and instead spend my energy sending positive vibes to my organs. 😛 I know, a little fruity, but I got the gist. Stressing out wasn’t good for me, or our chances of conceiving – besides the fact that I gave myself a cold sore the size of Texas from all the carrying on (!) – I need to relax and have a little faith.
So, I just remembered that I have a little set of cards called “The Relax Deck” and pulled it out. The card that spoke to me today –
Central to Indian philosopy is a belief in prana, the life force that we take into our bodies through breathing. When you need to relax in a stressful situation, try to control your breath. Visualize air going into and coming out of your nostrils, and establish a rhythmic pattern of breathing. Then, concentrate on the exhalation–make it as long and smooth as possible–and feel your body gradually relax as the tension melts away.
Okay, deep breath in… 😉
May 26, 2009
Today is Day 16.
To “normal” women, that probably doesn’t mean much, but to IFers, every day means something. Or if it doesn’t, you wish it would. After last month (the month of the miracle cycle), I’ve been tracking my BBT and counting days, and hoping against hope that I’d ovulate on my own (!) again this month.
Last month, the big O happened on Day 20, and without getting into too much detail, I knew that something was about to happen for a few days before that (starting around day 17). This time, my acu has me on herbs to try and promote earlier ovulation (trying for the healthier 28-day cycle, rather than my 34-day one), but as of today (DAY 16), still NO signs of impending ovulation!
So now I’m starting to FREAK out that last month was a total fluke and that I’ve gotten all my hopes up for nothing. That I’m really not fully functional and that I’ll probably have to go back to IF treatments. That who was I kidding, I’ll never have a normal, regular cycle. That now we’ll be on our special anniversary trip in Hawaii and I’ll be stressed out and worrying about my stupid cycle – the one time I was hoping to be able to take a break from it all!
I know I should be more optimistic. Maybe my ideal cycle is 34 days and I’ll start to “feel things” tomorrow. Maybe now that I’m “regular” I won’t “feel things” as much. Maybe…blah. Maybe I need a drink.
May 22, 2009
I was reading some back issues of Real Simple on the train this morning, and found a quote that I wanted to share.
“The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift…”
~J.K. Rowling, 2008 Harvard commencement address
Reading something like this reminds me to remember (and believe) that God never gives us more than we can handle. Life isn’t always easy, there are up and downs around every corner, but step by step, we’ll get through them, and be stronger for it. The past few years have been a constant struggle for S and I, but we’ve learned alot from them, both about ourselves and our relationship. I know that he’ll be there for me through anything – whether that means cracking jokes in the ER, or just doing a load of laundry – and that we can survive the darkest days, together.
Wishing you all strength, hope, and peace as you face whatever challenges life throws your way.
May 18, 2009
Now that I’m being treated like I’m a “normal” woman preparing for a pregnancy, my acu/nutritionist has me on all sorts of herbal supplements. These include a prenatal vitamin (which I boycotted while on break ;-P), wheat germ oil (said to reduce the incidence of complications during pregnancy), Symplex F (to support the production and function of female hormones), and a four-part herbal supplement called Blossom (a different herb for each part of my cycle). This adds up to a total of 22 pills, some timed with meals and others between meals, spread out over the course of the day.
While infinitely better than the shots of an IVF cycle, the pills are equally tedious. It takes a couple pints of water to get each batch down, so I’m constantly up and down at work, either peeing or refilling my water bottle. Although clearly, if this is all it takes to get and stay pregnant, it’s the least I can do! At least I’ll be hydrated, right? 😉
May 15, 2009
Bailey had a grooming appointment today and we had planned to go a little shorter for the summer. S was taking care of the drop off and pick up, and I’ve been so curious to hear how things went.
So I just got a call from S, who said…you know that Comcast commercial, with the rabbit? …That’s what Bailey looks like.
I really hope he’s exaggerating.
May 12, 2009
With the (natural – yippee!) arrival of AF, I’ve been suddenly thrown back into the “trying” mentality, and I’m not quite sure whether to laugh or cry. Our break is officially over – and while I’m completely thrilled to be able to pursue natural conception, I’m also totally overwhelmed. As of this morning, I’m back to charting my BBT (temperature), taking my pre-natal vitamins, and constantly wondering “what if…” and “what about…” and “what now…”??
IF and IF treatments turn even the most laid back people into control freaks (imagine what it does to those who are already Type A – ahem! ;-)), so it was initially very hard to be on a “break” and truly allow my body and mind to REST. But now, I think I’ve finally gotten the hang of it 😉 and was really looking forward to our trip (to Hawaii! in 27 days!) without anything else hanging over my head. Now, I could potentially be waiting for AF to come back again (while on the beach? ugh!), or possibly even be PG?!? I mentioned that to S last night and he was like “Umm…I’d prefer the second option.” 😛 Umm, yeah, me too. LOL!
It just all seems so unreal. I don’t think I ever believed that this could possibly happen “naturally” and now I’m torn between relief that that door has opened and fear that it will just lead down another road to disappointment. Do I potentially give myself a while to try naturally? How long is a while – three months? A year?? When do I give up and go back to IVF? If at all? I know I just need to take it one day at a time…but that is SO easier said than done!
May 11, 2009
That’s “Aunt Flo” for you non-IFers. 😉 For the first time, ever, in my entire life, I just got my period after a NATURAL (no drugs!!), normal 30-day cycle!!!!!
I had my period induced a month ago because I had gone six months without it, but the only thing I did during this month’s cycle was a once-weekly acupuncture appointment. He worked different points this cycle, most notably on my hand (one on the inside of the base of my thumb and one on the outside of the base of the opposite ring finger – called Return to the Nest), and I am convinced that they made a difference.
On top of that, I truly believe that I know when I ovulated this cycle (I could probably tell you the exact day), I just wouldn’t let myself believe it. Now that I have evidence (ahem 😉 ), I am just beside myself. I’ve never been so happy to feel so miserable. I know that our problems aren’t completely over, but for someone who was previously anovulatory, this is a HUGE deal. 😛 Yee-ha!!
May 7, 2009
Today is my 27th birthday, and I have to tell you, it feels strange. I know that I’m still “young” but S and I have been through so much over the past seven years, that it feels like a lifetime. I hope that the fact that 7 is my lucky number means that this will be a lucky year…and that we’ll have another family member on board by the time I turn 28!
May 5, 2009
As I mentioned before, we had S’s family here for a visit around Easter – S’s mom, sister, and nephew. We had a lovely time, but no one enjoyed it more than Bailey. She had her very own BOY to play with! (and vice versa 😉 )
Is there any sweeter sight than a boy with his dog?
May 4, 2009
Last Friday marked my three-year anniversary with the company (well two with the original company and almost a year since the sale). Surprisingly, my team made a pretty big deal about it, which was silly, but sort of nice. My boss is new as of January, so we still don’t know each other all that well, but she said some very nice things about my contributions and role on the team. She works remotely from Chicago so she wasn’t here to “celebrate” with us, but she sent out an email to the team congratulating me, and even sent flowers and a balloon.
The best part though was lunch out with my peer co-workers. After two beers, a burger, and fries (yum! 😉 ), I was surprised to see the waitress coming over with piece of chocolate cake with a candle in it…at which point one of my co-workers started singing a vigorous rendition of the “Happy Birthday” song. I literally couldn’t stop laughing long enough to even blow out the candle. Turns out, he had no idea what we were actually celebrating! LOL 😉
Although three years is just a blink of an eye in terms of most people’s careers, it definitely gave me cause for reflection. I don’t tell most people this, but I’ve never really put much thought into my “career.” All I’ve ever wanted to be “when I grew up” was a wife and a mother, and the fact that the second part of that goal has been such a struggle, has been extremely difficult for me. I’ve been lucky to find an industry that I actually enjoy (and am pretty good at, if I do say so myself 😉 ), especially after two failed attempts. In fact, at home on Friday night I was talking to S and asked him “did you ever think I’d be celebrating three years at the same company?” He was like, NOPE! 😛
I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and if I’m being completely honest, I entered the “workforce” fully expecting my stay to be short-term. I hope that I’ll always be able to keep one foot in the door – much easier with publishing than in other industries – but I feel strongly that I want to be home to raise our kids. But what happens if we never have those kids?? Thoughts along those lines have been what pushed me to pursue teaching. Especially now that S and I have to assume our own insurance in order for infertility to be covered, I’m feeling like a few more doors have opened in terms of my long term career. I don’t know whether that means teaching down the road, or putting more effort into rising in the ranks here, or something else entirely. But whatever it is, I guess it’s time for me to stop living (or at least working) in limbo…