May 24, 2010

Negative.

Posted in Infertility tagged at 7:26 am by lifebytheday

I almost don’t know how to write this post, but I guess I’ll have to say it at some point…it was another negative.  We’re not pregnant. 

I honestly believed that this cycle had worked (and that we might even be pregnant with twins) which made the news even more devastating.  S asked me to wait for him to listen to the VM, so I sat on pins and needles for 8 HOURS from the time of the call until he got home on Saturday. 

As soon as the message started playing, we knew…our hearts sank and my mouth dropped…I was in total shock.  I couldn’t even cry on Saturday night – but nor could I sleep – I spent the night in absolute torment, which didn’t help my state of mind yesterday. 

Yesterday I had a total meltdown and then begged S to just get me out of the house and distract me, so we brought Bailey out for the day, walked around Boston and went to a family cookout, and then came home and watched the LOST season finale.  Luckily by midnight I was tired enough that I was able to get some sleep.

Today I still feel numb.  I honestly don’t know what to do next. 

The idea of going through another cycle almost brings me to hysterics, but I’m equally unable to give up on my dream of having biological children.  S wants children, but wants me to be happy and healthy more than anything, so he has started talking about adoption (which is a big step for him). 

I feel like I’m on the verge of that insanity I mentioned, but I’m still not ready to adopt.  I know that I would love any child as my own…but I want the chance to see who S and I could create.  What would they look like?  Would they be outgoing?  Smart?  Will I ever know?

I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen next.  We’ve made it as far as to decide to schedule a follow up appointment with my RE…even though we don’t like their practice, we kind of feel like if they can’t get us pregnant, no one can.  I just don’t know what I am going to do if the latter case is true.

This would be easier if I could stop believing in God, but I can’t…I just don’t understand why he is doing this to me.  How could he make me want this so much and then not let it happen?  Why does his plan for me include so much pain?

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10 Comments »

  1. Caroline said,

    I’m so sorry to hear this sad news. I know how devestating it is to have a negative IVF cycle. Take it one day at a time and spoil yourself. Hugs to you.

  2. jolene1079 said,

    Friend. As I sit here in tears for you, I am speechless and wish I had words to say that would help wipe it all away, but I don’t. All I know is God does have a plan for you and as hard and maybe even impossible it is to believe, He does. Love you friend, and S as well, and will keep saying my own prayers for you.

  3. jsutera654 said,

    I still have no words to express how I feel knowing what you’re going through right now. I feel heartsick and so very sad for you and S. You deserve this more than anyone I know and I wish you could have what you want to deeply. Like I said before, I’m here for you whatever you need anytime, any day. Love you. xoxo

  4. APlusB said,

    I’m so, so sorry to hear this. (((hugs)))

  5. Liz said,

    So sorry for this news. Please know you are not alone and will get through this. I went through my 3rd, and final, unsuccessful ivf in December. It is devastating, but you and S will get through it, and make the right decisions for you and the family you will eventually have. We are now looking into adoption, not the path to parenthood we wanted or would have chosen, but it is the path that will get us to our children. And I have to believe that our children are out there waiting for us.

  6. Meg said,

    I am so sorry to hear this and my heart is breaking for you. Please let me know if there is anything you need.

    xoxo
    Meg

  7. Squashgirl said,

    I am so sad to hear your news and I wish there was something I could do make it better. I know that this is really challenging your faith for sure. It doesn’t make sense how you can have this desire for a children to add to your family and it is not happening. However, during the most challenging times in life is when we are called to lean upon Him for strength. I know its hard to do but I will pray for your comfort and discernment for your next step. (((((((hugs))))

  8. Mel said,

    My heart breaks for you. I don’t know what to say except that I love you both and we will always be there for you as you figure out your next step in this journey. I wish there was something more I can do but to say I love you. Major hugs and mucho besos.

  9. 21reena said,

    I’m literally crying for you right now – I am so, so sorry that you got this devastating news. I know there are no words to make it better – just know that I’m thinking of you, xo

  10. egghunt said,

    I’m so sorry. This is heartbreaking and I can’t believe the cruel world we live in. It shouldnt be this hard for you to be a mother. I feel very similar feelings about adoption, I love it the idea in theory but it;s just plain unfair that you have to swap one path for another. It is a big step to make to decide to give up on your own bio child so don’t be hard on yourself for not wanting to let go of that. I just wish I could reach in here and give you a hug in person, this bfn business is so unfair. Thinking of you. xxx


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