May 24, 2010
I almost don’t know how to write this post, but I guess I’ll have to say it at some point…it was another negative. We’re not pregnant.
I honestly believed that this cycle had worked (and that we might even be pregnant with twins) which made the news even more devastating. S asked me to wait for him to listen to the VM, so I sat on pins and needles for 8 HOURS from the time of the call until he got home on Saturday.
As soon as the message started playing, we knew…our hearts sank and my mouth dropped…I was in total shock. I couldn’t even cry on Saturday night – but nor could I sleep – I spent the night in absolute torment, which didn’t help my state of mind yesterday.
Yesterday I had a total meltdown and then begged S to just get me out of the house and distract me, so we brought Bailey out for the day, walked around Boston and went to a family cookout, and then came home and watched the LOST season finale. Luckily by midnight I was tired enough that I was able to get some sleep.
Today I still feel numb. I honestly don’t know what to do next.
The idea of going through another cycle almost brings me to hysterics, but I’m equally unable to give up on my dream of having biological children. S wants children, but wants me to be happy and healthy more than anything, so he has started talking about adoption (which is a big step for him).
I feel like I’m on the verge of that insanity I mentioned, but I’m still not ready to adopt. I know that I would love any child as my own…but I want the chance to see who S and I could create. What would they look like? Would they be outgoing? Smart? Will I ever know?
I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen next. We’ve made it as far as to decide to schedule a follow up appointment with my RE…even though we don’t like their practice, we kind of feel like if they can’t get us pregnant, no one can. I just don’t know what I am going to do if the latter case is true.
This would be easier if I could stop believing in God, but I can’t…I just don’t understand why he is doing this to me. How could he make me want this so much and then not let it happen? Why does his plan for me include so much pain?