September 22, 2010

Secrecy?

Posted in Infertility tagged , , , at 1:04 pm by lifebytheday

A good friend recently accused me of…no, that’s too harsh…made the observation that I had been very stealthy about our most recent cycle.  She commented that sometimes it’s just better to keep it to ourselves, but long after our discussion I found myself still wondering why. 

Not why it’s sometimes better to keep things to yourself – I completely understand that – but why I (the queen of talking things through) handled it that way this time around.  And honestly?  I have no idea.

I think that the largest part of it is self-preservation…the devastation of last month’s cycle is still so fresh in my mind.  I literally will not allow myself to feel hopeful this time, to the point of not even considering the possibility of this cycle working.  It’s almost as if I think the mere act of thinking will jinx me. 

Sidebar?  S is the total opposite this cycle.  In previous cycles, I was the one constantly asking him “do you think it’s going to work? was I like this last time?” and on and on and on…and he was always very zen about it, that whatever was meant to be would happen.  This time, he is practically convinced that it has worked.  He talks to the babies and rubs and kisses my belly…and I spend the whole time putting up an emotional wall, trying to prevent myself from getting attached.

In addition to protecting myself, I think I’m subconsciously trying to protect others.  Well, I guess I’m really still trying to protect myself by protecting others.  Having to tell family and friends that a cycle was negative is almost as devastating as getting the initial news…it feels like I’m reliving that moment every time I have to say it out loud. 

I felt that way in the height of my various depressed phases as well…like it’s bad enough that I have to live and breathe and think sadness ALL OF THE TIME…talking about it was always more than I could handle.  Luckily I had S and some great friends who wouldn’t let me sink too far into myself, but I feel kind of like that now.  Like talking about it makes it real…

I’m just not willing to make this baby (or babies) real and lose them again.

I realize that this post sounds like I’m depressed – I’m really not, I promise!  In fact, today is already three days into the 2WW and I haven’t even thought about it much…work is keeping me super busy and distracted.  I just thought I should explore my subconscious a little…pretty scary, huh? ;-P

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7 Comments »

  1. Kelly said,

    nothing wrong with self-preservation! if whatever you’re doing isn’t resulting in you getting more down or depressed, then go for it. 🙂

  2. jsutera654 said,

    I actually think its been a little bit cathartic for you in a way the way you’ve handled it this time around. I wouldn’t necessarily call it “secrecy” but you’ve seemingly focused on it less which I think is “saving” you a little bit during this cycle since I know that the last one was very, very hard on you physically and emotionally. I find S’s approach this time around to be super interesting though, I must say!

  3. nobabyruth said,

    Oh my gosh, I totally get this. I am much the same way – the queen of talking about things and having absolutely no secrets. But I’ve also been really reserved lately. And I think it’s the protection of others more than anything. I have no choice but to go through all of this. Why bother dragging them into it to? I hope that the 2WW continues smoothly for you!!

  4. Hillary said,

    I don’t really want to talk about my upcoming cycle, either, and I think for very similar reasons. I am feeling fairly hopeful the last few days, but I kind of want to keep my hope (or on other days, despair) to myself. Do what you need to do!

  5. iamstacey said,

    I went back and forth. Sometimes I talked about a cycle freely. But I’d have to say, the more cycles along we were, the less I’d talk about it. I just didn’t want people asking me about it afterwards. I needed time to absorb the negative before I could talk easily about it. I think a little self-preservation is a-ok.

  6. egghunt said,

    I think it is a self preservation technique for sure, but for me personally I keep things quiet because it just expends less energy than keeping the masses informed. It’s not that I’m actively choosing to keep them in the dark, its just that as time goes on and I get further into this journey I realise its about me and what I need. And sometimes I just need the peace of having something that is private. It makes us feel a bit normal to have some thing that isn’t public knowledge. We loose so much in this process that it makes sense that at times we try to hold onto whatever control we have.
    Good luck for the rest of your 2ww.

  7. jolene1079 said,

    I don’t think it makes you sound depressed at all. In fact, that’s probably exactly what I would do, if I were in your shoes. And, not to mention, it IS a very private and personal thing anyway…we are all fortunate you share as much as you do friend! XO!


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