September 22, 2010
A good friend recently accused me of…no, that’s too harsh…made the observation that I had been very stealthy about our most recent cycle. She commented that sometimes it’s just better to keep it to ourselves, but long after our discussion I found myself still wondering why.
Not why it’s sometimes better to keep things to yourself – I completely understand that – but why I (the queen of talking things through) handled it that way this time around. And honestly? I have no idea.
I think that the largest part of it is self-preservation…the devastation of last month’s cycle is still so fresh in my mind. I literally will not allow myself to feel hopeful this time, to the point of not even considering the possibility of this cycle working. It’s almost as if I think the mere act of thinking will jinx me.
Sidebar? S is the total opposite this cycle. In previous cycles, I was the one constantly asking him “do you think it’s going to work? was I like this last time?” and on and on and on…and he was always very zen about it, that whatever was meant to be would happen. This time, he is practically convinced that it has worked. He talks to the babies and rubs and kisses my belly…and I spend the whole time putting up an emotional wall, trying to prevent myself from getting attached.
In addition to protecting myself, I think I’m subconsciously trying to protect others. Well, I guess I’m really still trying to protect myself by protecting others. Having to tell family and friends that a cycle was negative is almost as devastating as getting the initial news…it feels like I’m reliving that moment every time I have to say it out loud.
I felt that way in the height of my various depressed phases as well…like it’s bad enough that I have to live and breathe and think sadness ALL OF THE TIME…talking about it was always more than I could handle. Luckily I had S and some great friends who wouldn’t let me sink too far into myself, but I feel kind of like that now. Like talking about it makes it real…
I’m just not willing to make this baby (or babies) real and lose them again.
I realize that this post sounds like I’m depressed – I’m really not, I promise! In fact, today is already three days into the 2WW and I haven’t even thought about it much…work is keeping me super busy and distracted. I just thought I should explore my subconscious a little…pretty scary, huh? ;-P