March 7, 2010
In the trenches
Hi friends! I know that I have a lot to catch you up on – I’ll post more soon, I promise! – but for now, I just wanted to post a quote from a fellow blogger, Communique. I’m starting to catch up on my blog reading, and was so touched by one of her recent posts. She has just had her third “failed” IVF cycle, and captured the depth and range of emotions so well, that I just had to share.
…all I feel is incredible hurt and guilt.
Guilt cos again my body has wasted a vast amount of money, money that was given to us by my in-laws. Guilt for what I’m putting my husband through cos he married a dud. Guilt for the hurt that my messed up body causes for those around me who for some reason (God alone knows why) love me.
Hurt cos I feel so lost and forgotten by God. I feel like I’m standing in this vacuum screaming and shouting for Him to hear me, to acknowledge me in some small way and He’s standing with his back to me with his earphones on full blast tuned into everyone else but me. I wish with all my heart that if this is His way of showing me that I’m not meant to be a Mom that He would take this desire out of my heart. That He would remove the longing in my eyes when I see or hold another person’s baby. That He would ease the ache I feel when I hear children call someone else (it’s always someone else) Mommy.
I’m grateful that I don’t feel those painful feelings right now, but man, do I know how she feels. I could have written every single one of those sentences, and hearing those things brings the feelings rushing back. I keep telling myself that I’m not “broken,” that it’s not my fault, and that God hasn’t forgotten me…but some days it’s just so hard to stay positive. I have been so busy and overwhelmed lately (more on that later) that I literally haven’t had the mental energy to think about IF, which actually has been really nice. But I know that as soon as we get underway again (with IVF cycle #4!), that I’ll be right there with her. I hope that I can stay positive and hopeful, but again, easier said than done.
So to my friend Communique – thank you for capturing and explaining our emotions so perfectly. Please know that there are people out here sending you lots of prayers and virtual hugs…wishing and hoping the dream comes true for all of us!