October 14, 2009
One of the biggest challenges for me in my adult life has been letting go…and I’m definitely still learning. I am a super perfectionist, and since I don’t expect other people to be as anal as I am, I often find myself doing more than is really needed. I recently joked with my parents that Anal 1 (Mom) + Anal 2 (Dad) = Anal x 10 (me!). As I’ve grown into my adult self however, I’ve definitely become a bit more laid back. A large part of that is due to S, who is NOT an anal procrastinating perfectionist. 😉 He’s very particular about his work (and certain other things, when they matter), but in general, he just does his best and then lets the rest go. Since marrying S, I’ve learned to let go of my notion of a perfect house. I’ve realized that some nights, it’s more important to have an early night with my husband than it is to leave the kitchen clean and the dishes done.
Bailey (and now Killian) has also provided me with a great lesson in letting go. Since Bailey was a puppy, she has gone to work with S (one of the perks of owning your own business). At first, it was because she wasn’t potty trained and couldn’t last all day, but it became a great way for her to be socialized with other people and animals, and she has now become the “shop dog.” S is much more laid-back than I am, but I had to trust that he would make sure she was fed, watered, taken out, and safe from the wide variety of tools and other things spread around the shop. There have been a few mishaps (S has on occasion been spotted running down the street after Bailey, who’s running down the street after some kids on bikes 😉 ), but obviously, Bailey is healthy and happy and I owe that, in large part, to S. People say that dogs give couples a chance to develop a sense of responsibility before having kids, but for us, Bailey gave us a chance to develop our sense of shared responsibility. I don’t feel like I have to do everything, which is a big accomplishment for me.
There is one aspect of my life, however, where I haven’t been able to let go. Our inability to have a baby has forced me to be very “in control” of the entire IF process, as you all know. Deep down, I know that I should “let go, and let God,” that everything happens for a reason, and at the time it is meant to happen – but it is SO hard to actually LIVE by those principles. I know that God meant for me to be a mother, I just hope that his plan includes biological children! And if not, I hope he gives me the strength to move forward with his alternate plan. I truly believe that once I am able to 100% let go and put myself and our future children into his hands, that it will happen…I just hope I can do that sooner rather than later!