October 14, 2009

Letting go

Posted in Infertility, Life, Marriage tagged at 10:34 am by lifebytheday

One of the biggest challenges for me in my adult life has been letting go…and I’m definitely still learning.  I am a super perfectionist, and since I don’t expect other people to be as anal as I am, I often find myself doing more than is really needed.  I recently joked with my parents that Anal 1 (Mom) + Anal 2 (Dad) = Anal x 10 (me!).  As I’ve grown into my adult self however, I’ve definitely become a bit more laid back.  A large part of that is due to S, who is NOT an anal procrastinating perfectionist.  😉  He’s very particular about his work (and certain other things, when they matter), but in general, he just does his best and then lets the rest go.  Since marrying S, I’ve learned to let go of my notion of a perfect house.  I’ve realized that some nights, it’s more important to have an early night with my husband than it is to leave the kitchen clean and the dishes done.

Bailey (and now Killian) has also provided me with a great lesson in letting go.  Since Bailey was a puppy, she has gone to work with S (one of the perks of owning your own business).  At first, it was because she wasn’t potty trained and couldn’t last all day, but it became a great way for her to be socialized with other people and animals, and she has now become the “shop dog.”  S is much more laid-back than I am, but I had to trust that he would make sure she was fed, watered, taken out, and safe from the wide variety of tools and other things spread around the shop.  There have been a few mishaps (S has on occasion been spotted running down the street after Bailey, who’s running down the street after some kids on bikes 😉 ), but obviously, Bailey is healthy and happy and I owe that, in large part, to S.  People say that dogs give couples a chance to develop a sense of responsibility before having kids, but for us, Bailey gave us a chance to develop our sense of shared responsibility.  I don’t feel like I have to do everything, which is a big accomplishment for me.

There is one aspect of my life, however, where I haven’t been able to let go.  Our inability to have a baby has forced me to be very “in control” of the entire IF process, as you all know.  Deep down, I know that I should “let go, and let God,” that everything happens for a reason, and at the time it is meant to happen – but it is SO hard to actually LIVE by those principles.  I know that God meant for me to be a mother, I just hope that his plan includes biological children!  And if not, I hope he gives me the strength to move forward with his alternate plan.  I truly believe that once I am able to 100% let go and put myself and our future children into his hands, that it will happen…I just hope I can do that sooner rather than later!

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6 Comments »

  1. Ken Kendall said,

    I know of what you speak. I think be to controlling was a large part of the break up of my first marriage. I hate that I had any part in our divorce.

    Today I write a blog about marriage and how men can better love their wives. I hope you and your husband will check it out when you have a chance.

    http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com

    Thanks,

  2. jolene1079 said,

    VERY powerful blog today friend!! And, so true re: letting go…very good perception and also VERY hard to do. I’m with you on that (my only personal situation, as you know!), but know you have it in you, whatever the outcome. XOXO.

  3. Kari said,

    Thank you for the beautiful post about letting go. I too have difficulty letting go where fertility is concerned. When I was younger I suffered from an eating disorder, brought on by my feeling my life was out of control. When I had no control over everything around me, at least I could control my weight. I sought help, but more than once DH has remarked that I’ve basically transferred my disease(lack of control) from eating to fertility. So I can relate to your difficulty letting go of fertility. Good luck and continue the wonderful writing!! You have 2 awards on my blog.

  4. Jess said,

    I am so proud of you – as a fellow “Anal Annie” letting go is NOT something I do easily myself, I wish I could be more like you, I still have such a hard time with it! You are so strong and have such faith that I firmly believe everything will work out according to His plan (even though I know you wish it could happen according to YOUR plan). I am pulling for you like no other. xoxo

  5. Mel said,

    Oh J – I almost cried when I read this. I believe your time will come.

  6. iamstacey said,

    Wow, we are so much alike! My need to control everything almost cost us our marriage at first. I was used to taking care of me, and it was so hard to let go and trust him to step up, but once I did, it was the magic that made our marriage great!

    I was just thinking the same thing last night, that the dusting would still be there tomorrow, and I’d rather enjoy a couple of hours with my husband. I still have to remind myself of that over and over!

    The hardest thing I’ve had to do with IF was learn to pray that if kids aren’t in His plan for us, would he please change my heart so I would long for what He wants. That’s the only way I’ll find peace. That is one hard prayer to pray. And I still follow it with, but if it is Your plan, please let it happen soon!


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