June 2, 2010
Back from a nice long weekend, but unfortunately, reality didn’t disappear while we were away.
Yesterday, S and I met with Dr. T to talk about next steps. To be completely honest, I wasn’t – and still am not – emotionally ready for another cycle, but my cycles are so long (between the BC pills, Lupron, and my seesaw response) that I feel like I need to keep the ball rolling. S and I have agreed to do one more cycle, and if that doesn’t work, we’ll need to think seriously and carefully about a Plan B.
It may sound like I’m okay with that, but really, a little piece of me dies every time I have to acknowledge that we might not ever have biological children. Which, instead of making this easier and better as time goes by, instead is making me feel more and more dead inside.
We asked Dr. T if there were any other tests we could or should do to figure out if my eggs are the problem (he said no), and whether he thinks that the seesawing of the medication caused the embryo quality issues (again no). He said that my up and down E2 levels reflect the little follies trying to grow and being suppressed, not the lead follicles growing and stopping – which makes sense.
Aside from the fact that we obviously didn’t get pregnant, he thinks that the cycle went well – implied, “as well as can be expected with my issues.” He reminded us that I am so far outside the norm that I can’t compare myself to anyone else, but thinks that it isn’t unreasonable for us to try one more time.
We pushed him a little to suggest what we should do if this cycle doesn’t work – to which he replied that we should take it one cycle at a time – but he also agreed that we should start to discuss and consider a plan B because of the higher-than-normal risks and lower-than-normal potential with each cycle.
He confirmed that we should be looking at egg donation over surrogacy, since my response is so tenuous and we’ve not ever had perfect quality embryos – and obviously have never been pregnant – but there’s not (yet) any evidence to suggest that I can not carry a child. He also mentioned adoption and other experimental therapies, as additional options down the road.
He also strongly suggested that we talk to a therapist that specializes in infertility. I’ve seen someone before (not a specialist) and was disappointed, but I know that this is something I need to do. I’m really floundering, and am hoping that I can find someone to help me process my thoughts and emotions. S has a hard time accepting that he can’t be everything that I need, and it’s hard for me to explain. I know that he is always there for me, but I just don’t want to end up being the weak link in our marriage.
I just never thought this would be me – that 4 years and 4 IVF cycles into treatments – that we would still be without a family. I never thought that this blog would turn so depressing – I even used to try and avoid blogs like mine is now, so that I could try and stay positive while going through treatments. So for those of you still hanging around, reading my depressing thoughts, I’m sorry.
I even purposely named my blog something non-IF related, so that it would still be relevant when I was pregnant and parenting down the road. Now, those things might never happen, and I just don’t know how to move forward from here…