March 8, 2011
Meant to be
This post has been percolating in my head – and my heart – for a while now, but I’m pretty sure that it’s not going to come out exactly the way I mean it, so bear with me, okay?
I have come to the realization that this baby – and the path we had to take to get him or her – was 100% meant to be. There have been times when I find myself remembering everything that we went through – all of the pain, sadness, money, worry, fear – and it almost feels like it happened to someone else. Or maybe more accurately, like it happened to me in a completely different lifetime. I can still remember everything in minute detail, but it’s almost as if I’m dreaming, or watching the replay through a curtain.
When we got pregnant, I made a conscious choice to enjoy every minute, and (to try!) not to worry or feel guilty about being happy or excited. I still have no way of knowing whether we’ll ever get to experience pregnancy again, so even with the physical challenges, I am loving being pregnant. But by the same token, I still hate to complain – partly because I like to think of myself as pretty tough, and partly because I don’t want anyone to ever question that I know how lucky I am – but I am trying to experience and honor my feelings for what they are. There are even some days when I just think of myself as pregnant and not “pregnant after infertility” and I think that’s a miracle in itself.
I still sometimes think about my original plan, which would have put me in the middle of pregnancy #3 (or thereabouts) right now, and I realize how glad I am that that isn’t how things worked out. S and I are so much stronger and more mature after everything we’ve been through together, and I honestly don’t know if our relationship would have been ready for kids five years ago. We were ready to be parents, but I think that now, we’re truly ready to be a family.
I recently mentioned these feelings to S, and asked him, “don’t you just feel like this was all meant to be?” His response? “Well, yeah!” (in the tone of “well duh, you idiot” lol). I don’t know if it’s just S or more of a guy thing, but the hardest part of IF for him was all of the energy/effort/money spent with nothing to show for it. Now that we actually have our baby on board, I think he has been able to see the value in what we went through, shut the door on it and move on.
I tend to walk a fine line between honoring our experiences and moving forward, which I think is a healthy place to be…both as a woman and a mother. I don’t think we need to tell our child how much pain we suffered on our journey to find him/her, but I do want them to know how much we wanted and loved them. And that they were always meant to be our firstborn.