March 8, 2011

Meant to be

Posted in Infertility, Pregnancy tagged at 7:07 am by lifebytheday

This post has been percolating in my head – and my heart – for a while now, but I’m pretty sure that it’s not going to come out exactly the way I mean it, so bear with me, okay?

I have come to the realization that this baby – and the path we had to take to get him or her – was 100% meant to be.  There have been times when I find myself remembering everything that we went through – all of the pain, sadness, money, worry, fear – and it almost feels like it happened to someone else.  Or maybe more accurately, like it happened to me in a completely different lifetime.  I can still remember everything in minute detail, but it’s almost as if I’m dreaming, or watching the replay through a curtain. 

When we got pregnant, I made a conscious choice to enjoy every minute, and (to try!) not to worry or feel guilty about being happy or excited.  I still have no way of knowing whether we’ll ever get to experience pregnancy again, so even with the physical challenges, I am loving being pregnant.  But by the same token, I still hate to complain – partly because I like to think of myself as pretty tough, and partly because I don’t want anyone to ever question that I know how lucky I am – but I am trying to experience and honor my feelings for what they are.  There are even some days when I just think of myself as pregnant and not “pregnant after infertility” and I think that’s a miracle in itself.

I still sometimes think about my original plan, which would have put me in the middle of pregnancy #3 (or thereabouts) right now, and I realize how glad I am that that isn’t how things worked out.  S and I are so much stronger and more mature after everything we’ve been through together, and I honestly don’t know if our relationship would have been ready for kids five years ago.  We were ready to be parents, but I think that now, we’re truly ready to be a family. 

I recently mentioned these feelings to S, and asked him, “don’t you just feel like this was all meant to be?”  His response?  “Well, yeah!”  (in the tone of “well duh, you idiot” lol).  I don’t know if it’s just S or more of a guy thing, but the hardest part of IF for him was all of the energy/effort/money spent with nothing to show for it.  Now that we actually have our baby on board, I think he has been able to see the value in what we went through, shut the door on it and move on.

I tend to walk a fine line between honoring our experiences and moving forward, which I think is a healthy place to be…both as a woman and a mother.  I don’t think we need to tell our child how much pain we suffered on our journey to find him/her, but I do want them to know how much we wanted and loved them.  And that they were always meant to be our firstborn.

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5 Comments »

  1. Kari said,

    I totally agree 100% with you. It’s a different place to find yourself when you’re pregnant/parenting after a long journey with IF and realize that everything you went through had to happen in that exact order to ensure you got the exact baby that you did. Losing 2 babies before LD was a pain I can’t begin to describe, but it had to happen-and I’m thankful for it. I’ve been meaning to write a post about being thankful for IF and just haven’t got around to it. Thanks for reminding me. So glad, despite some pretty intense sounding physical pain, you’re still enjoying every minute of being pregnant. And know that you are allowed to complain without sounding ungrateful. Carrying a little person inside your body is a tough job and can wear you out physically. Rest plenty and take good care of yourself and that little baby!!

  2. jobo said,

    This post gave me chills. I absolutely agree with you. Every experience in our lives, even the most taxing, wearing, stressful, sad, emotional, hurtful experiences make us who we are…and they make or break us, in some cases. In this case, it made you stronger, it made S stronger, and it made you become a FAMILY, not just ready to be parents. That’s a huge distinction. Coming from a low place myself in the past with my own life-defining experience, I can completely relate to this and I wouldn’t change a thing about my past. So glad you wouldn’t either.It’s a good place to be, isn’t it?

  3. jsutera654 said,

    I love this post, friend. And totally agree – this has been the exact right time for you two to become parents. You are the strongest you’ve ever been as a couple. You’re both so supportive and understanding of eachother’s needs and desires and are going to be amazing parents. I’m so proud of you two, seriously. I’m so glad you are both honoring the experience but also ready to move on and prepare for what this baby means to you both, going forward. Awesome. xoxo

  4. Hillary said,

    Beautiful post. So thankful you are in such a joyful place right now!

  5. iamstacey said,

    Beautifully worded. I know I’ll never take motherhood for granted because of how I got here. I couldn’t be luckier or happier – not in spite of our journey here, but because of it. We are lucky women.


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