November 24, 2010
Worries and wishes
I’m experiencing a strange phenomenon where I’m actually getting more nervous the closer we get to the coveted end of the first trimester.
I think a large part of it is that we haven’t seen or heard the baby in several weeks. I get such a high from seeing an actual baby moving around inside of me that it keeps me aloft for days, but eventually, that bubble starts to deflate and I come back down to earth. Another issue is that I now know (although I wish I didn’t) that it is possible to have a “missed miscarriage” without any bleeding or cramping…and although I don’t actually think that has happened, I don’t think I’ll fully relax until our ultrasound next week.
The last, and strangest factor, is that I’m actually getting more nervous the more people that I tell! I am pretty obviously showing now, especially for people who know me well, and so we were sort of forced to spill the beans to several of my parents’ friends recently. And I’ve started telling other friends as I see them around town. But for some reason, I have gotten really nervous and am really not enjoying congratulations right now…I just can’t wait to be officially in our 13th or 14th week, with proof that the baby is doing well.
In other news, I just had to share this post from a fellow blogger over at Waiting for our Miracle – it is a beautifully written, brutally honest post comparing infertility to cancer. She did not (and neither do I) have any intention of minimizing the experience of cancer, but I just think that it is worth reading, and understanding, the true devastation that is infertility.
On this, the day before Thanksgiving, I am so grateful to be in a position where I can look back at my infertility journey and appreciate it for the lessons I learned and the gift I was given. But as we enter the holiday season, my thoughts and prayers are with those who are still drowning in the sea of treatments and uncertainty, and struggling to stay afloat. I hope that everyone is able to relax amongst family and friends this holiday, and appreciate the blessings that they have been given. Even at your lowest point, there is always something to be thankful for.