October 24, 2010

Tap, tap…is this thing on?

Posted in Infertility, Pregnancy tagged , at 5:20 pm by lifebytheday

Pregnancy after infertility is a lonely place.

I don’t mean to imply that I’m lonely, I have an amazing support system in real life…but it’s become very obvious to me that I no longer “belong” in the IF community, at least not in the same way.  It’s almost like as soon as you’re identified as “pregnant”, then you lose all credibility in terms of how much you’ve suffered to get there. 

I don’t want to seem like a hypocrite – I vividly remember not being able to follow or comment on the blogs of the newly pregnant – but it’s been kind of eye-opening.  I know that it’s hard to hear about people who have reached their goal when you’re still struggling to get there, but it’s just amazing to me how divisive TTC and children can be.  You would think that women would want to stick together, but there’s so much judgement, jealousy and guilt that it just seems to take over.

I would like to think that if we hadn’t gotten pregnant this cycle, that I could have continued to follow TTC and pregnant bloggers, but honestly, I don’t know.  I think part of it is natural, that we look for people that are the “same” as us…but there’s definitely another – more emotional and insidious – layer to this issue. 

I sincerely wish that everyone who is reading this blog is able to have the family that they desire…and that your relationships become strengthened through the challenge of infertility.  Prayers and best wishes to all.



  1. jsutera654 said,

    Wow, I guess I never thought of it that way – though now that you bring it up, it does make some sense. At the same time, you still totally “fit” into the IF community as you’ve been through so much to get to this point and have such great insight to share. I’m with you, though, everyone deserves to have the family they’ve always dreamed of, I will send a silent prayer to all struggling with it, too.

  2. Kari said,

    It’s true PregnancyAIF/ParentingAIF is a truly different place. Some of your previous readers are still following, just not commenting, I’m sure. Periodically I would get comments from people I was sure quit following after I got pregnant. It’s just so difficult to know others are struggling while you’re moving forward. You’ll never forget where you’ve been, but you are in a different place now. 🙂 Hope you’re feeling well!!

  3. amber1279 said,

    As bloggers that I followed got BFP’s I moved them to a different folder in my google reader. When I had bad days I didn’t go and read those blogs. I have been respectful when commenting recently during ICLW because I want to connect with out pregnant after IF bloggers.

  4. Kelly said,

    I felt the same way, although I never truly felt like I “belonged” anywhere because we didn’t struggle with IF, per se, although we are not able to have healthy babies the “normal” way. I always figured that if people stopped reading, that it was okay because once I was pregnant, I didn’t need them as much as I did before. They supported me when I needed it and I’m fine being grateful and leaving it at that.

  5. Hillary said,

    Still here! I just got behind on my commenting and haven’t caught up 🙂

  6. egghunt said,

    I’m here and still reading but haven’t commented much on anyones blogs lately. Your post was really honest, and in some ways the old saying ‘misery loves company’ rings true in IF land. We all rally around those who are in pain and still struggling but it’s easier to think those that are now pregnant need less support as they’ve ‘made it’.
    I’m sorry you’re feeling like you’ve dropped off everyone’s radar. I’m sure there are many, like me, who are still reading, but don’t always know what to say.
    x Hugs

  7. kristi said,

    I hear what you are saying…I think I havent lost some of my readers who are still struggling because I have had a difficult pregnancy so I think they can still sympathize with me:) Plus I hope to be a good support and a testimony that things are possible:)

  8. Eileen said,

    If you think it’s lonely now, wait til you have the baby! I have lost almost all my readers. I’m reading yours though! just got behind in my commenting!

  9. mare said,

    I am echoing part of egghunt’s comment: I am not always sure of what to say on certain blogs (mostly pregnant blogs and IF veteran blogs, since I am neither of those things). Latley I have been trying to be more brave about commenting because no matter where we are on this path, some supportive comments feel good!

  10. Sunshine said,

    Personally, I like to read blogs from all places of the spectrum, especially the ones who have little ones. I just like to see what’s possible. But it does make sense that people’s readership would change as their lives change. Thanks for stopping by my blog!

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