October 12, 2010
Belief and blessings
I know that I’ve mentioned this in previous posts, but I still can’t quite believe that we are pregnant, and that we might actually have a baby in less than 8 months. After four years, and especially after our most recent failed cycle, I honestly thought that a pregnancy and a biological child was just not in the cards for me. Seeing a positive pregnancy test was literally as suprising and exciting as it would have been if we had been able to get pregnant naturally.
Besides the fear that I was never going to experience pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, etc…the hardest part was understanding why God was “doing” this to me. I knew that God had a will and a plan and that there really wasn’t anything that I could do to change it. I tried to focus on the fact that maybe God needed us to take care of one of his other children through an adoption, since he knew that we were going to be such good parents. I just had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that God might not think my genes were worth passing on. I know that sounds dramatic – and I know I’m not perfect by any means 😉 – but I did spend a long time wondering “what’s wrong with me?”
Now that I am actually pregnant with a child that is half mine and half S’s (wow, that’s the first time I actually realized that!), I’m feeling extremely blessed. For better or worse, we’re going to get the chance to find out what S+me will look like, act like, be like. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this here before, but I’ve always been fascinated by the nature/nuture debate. Even though my major was in communications, my thesis researched the development of gender identity in toddlers. I am just SO interested in child development, and can’t WAIT to have a little guinea pig of my own. 😛
I know that this post is kind of all over the place, but I guess that’s where my mind is right now. I’m simultaneously hoping and praying that everything will look good on Friday, and trying to enjoy this phase in the meantime. It would really suck to waste this time (potentially pre-morning sickness) just worrying. 😉