May 10, 2010
I keep writing this post and then deleting it, so please bear with my all-over-the-place-ness. I have been trying to decide whether to share the photo of our two embryos, and beyond that, whether to just rip it up and throw it away in the bottom of the trash can.
During our first cycle, it seemed so special and amazing to have a photo of our future child in embryo stage, but then when the cycle failed, I just couldn’t get rid of it fast enough. With our second cycle, I was given the option to take the photo and declined, figuring that if we were successful, that I could always ask for it later. When our second cycle was also negative, I was glad that we didn’t have the picture.
With this cycle, we were just handed the page with the embryo information and a photo…actually, the embryologist-from-hell handed it to me, and I promptly gave it to S, who folded it up and shoved it in his pocket (as he would have any other piece of paper).
When we were sitting in the recovery room, S took it out and said something along the lines of “there are our future children” or something else equally as cute…but to be honest, when I look at the photo, all I can see is heartbreak and disappointment, and all our other children that have died in the bottom of a petri dish or in the bottom of my useless uterus.
I’m trying to force myself to stay positive, so this is my attempt at telling the universe that I’m serious. I want this cycle to have worked, I want to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have as many healthy babies as God decides to give us. And I want to be able to have this photo be the first picture in their baby book(s).
<Post edited to remove photo.> Sorry!