April 9, 2010

How can I still feel hopeful?

Posted in Infertility, Life at 1:29 pm by lifebytheday

For several weeks now, I’ve been playing phone tag with the nurse at my RE’s office.  It all started when I called to delay our next cycle  (but still needed to avoid the weekend when we’d be away at the wedding), and with all of the back and forth, I started to doubt that we’d ever actually get things sorted out! 

By the way, I’ve decided that I’m calling the next IVF cycle #3.5 (not #4), because I figured that since we never got to retrieval and transfer, that last time didn’t count!  Plus, I think I will lose my mind if we have to go onto a #5, so I’m giving myself a little mental boost.  I’m sure that seems silly to most of you, I mean, it really will be the fourth time that I’m going through the drugs, the monitoring, etc…but it gives me a nice little lift to think that I still have a chance at the third time being the charm.

So yesterday, I finally got a voicemail with details on the next cycle:
– starting Lupron – April 13th
– last BC pill – April 17
– baseline ultrasound – April 22nd
– starting stims – April 23rd
– retrieval – May 3-5
– transfer – May 6-10

So, a few things I have to point out about these dates:

  • I will be starting stims the night we arrive in Virginia for our weekend/wedding extravaganza, which means that I will need to take a break from the festivities on Saturday night to find a restroom, wriggle out of my dress, and shoot myself up.  So I guess my clutch can’t be a mini…there has to be room for a needle and a vial of meds!
  • Technically, I should stop drinking as soon as we start the cycle so that my eggs are as healthy as possible, but sorry babies, Mommy’s going to be living it up at this wedding!  The way I figure it – they’re going to be more than half Irish, so we have to start them early. 😉  Obviously, as soon as our embie/s are back in my body, no more booze, but this will definitely be my last hurrah.
  • My 28th birthday is May 7th, so there is a very good likelihood that I will be doing the transfer on, or soon after my birthday.  S is a little bummed because he apparently was going to surprise me with a weekend away, but I actually think that it will make this birthday feel really special.

Although it feels like we’ve been trying for a baby FOREVER (and really, four years IS a long time), I know that we are in a much better place now (in our relationship, w/our finances, etc.) than we would have been at 24 and 26.  It’s weird to think about it, but my mother had me when she was 28 (I’m the oldest), and it just kind of feels right.  I remember when I was growing up, I thought she was crazy for waiting that long (my parents had been married for 7 years when they had me), but now I just keep thinking about how much more ready and MATURE we are now, and how much we’ll cherish a child after everything we’ve been through.

More than anything though, I’m surprised by the rush of hope that I felt when I heard that voicemail.  For a few seconds, I forgot about all of the pain and sadness from our past failed treatments, the stress and insanity we’re going through right now, the indifference and disregard I’ve been using to protect myself while on break, and the fear that I keep buried so far down that we are just not meant to have biological children.  I forgot ALL of that, and actually felt HOPEFUL.  And I have to say, it felt wonderful.

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12 Comments »

  1. Kari said,

    So glad you are able to feel that hope!! I agree this sounds like IVF 3.5, you certainly can’t count a cycle that doesn’t complete itself as a cycle. Hoping this next cycle is the one and you’re able to hold onto that hope throughout!! 🙂

  2. jsutera654 said,

    Aww babe! I’m SO glad to hear that you are back to feeling hopeful. That is awesome!! xoxo

  3. Ashley said,

    Yay for hope!! I really hope this cycle is THE one. I think you’re so right on the being able to really cherish your child part (also your relationship with your hubby), it’s like the special gift we get that other people don’t after going through this road of crap!

    I am guilty of taking stims to a bar with me, so I obviously drank too. 🙂 I think it’s a great idea.

  4. egghunt said,

    I am so glad you have a plan in place for ivf#3.5. I think you and I will be cycle buddies as I’ll be starting stims around the same time as you (i’m on the short antagonist protocol so skip the bcp and lupron) and this is my 4th ivf cycle, and my birthday is coming up too… So I really felt like I was almost reading my own post when I read what you wrote today. Hopefully we can cheer each other on and that we can prove that there is hope after 3 failed ivf cycles. Its tough, but we wouldn’t be here doing this again if there wasnt’ hope would we? xx

  5. Jennifer said,

    3.5 sounds perfect! This cycle sounds really good so far. A birthday transfer would be great. I love your positive attitude. Sure will be thinking about you this cycle. Good luck!

  6. nelc said,

    Thanks so much…your theme and your site are really great. …

  7. APlusB said,

    So glad you’re hopeful and I am hopeful for you, too! Three will be a charm and how cool that your future babies may be transferred on your b-day. My IUI may fall on my birthday…so might be in the same situation. Have a great time at the wedding!

  8. Molly said,

    My parents were the same: married for seven years before they had me on my mother’s 28th birthday. I was a little sad when my 28th birthday went by and I couldn’t continue the tradition!

    My fifth cycle (on Clomid) is happening while I’m on vacation too, but unfortunately, we’re sharing a hotel room, so things have to be a bit more sneaky! I am guessing we’ll just have to wait until others are asleep and take advantage of the bathroom or something. Garg.

  9. Kelly said,

    hope is an amazing thing. so glad you are still able to find it and embrace it. 🙂

  10. cristin said,

    totally agree on 3.5!! my mom was 28 when she had me, and i totally agree, when we were little i always thought that was so OLD to have kids! lol but i’ll be 28 for this one, so i guess 28 is not really quite so old afterall. i am SO SO SO hopeful for you both for this time around. yay for the restart!

  11. jolene1079 said,

    Wow, the dates and how they align with certain things is amazing…I feel so hopeful for you on 3.5 as well – with your birthday coming (28 is a wonderful age and love that it was when your mom had you!), and I think your sense of optimism is awesome. So excited and hopeful for you!!

  12. 21reena said,

    sorry to be missing this week – and thanks for your comments! I’m so hopeful for you this cycle too!!! and it’s definitely the 3.5 time 🙂

    I can wait for you to start it all and have a BLAST at the wedding!


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