April 9, 2010
How can I still feel hopeful?
For several weeks now, I’ve been playing phone tag with the nurse at my RE’s office. It all started when I called to delay our next cycle (but still needed to avoid the weekend when we’d be away at the wedding), and with all of the back and forth, I started to doubt that we’d ever actually get things sorted out!
By the way, I’ve decided that I’m calling the next IVF cycle #3.5 (not #4), because I figured that since we never got to retrieval and transfer, that last time didn’t count! Plus, I think I will lose my mind if we have to go onto a #5, so I’m giving myself a little mental boost. I’m sure that seems silly to most of you, I mean, it really will be the fourth time that I’m going through the drugs, the monitoring, etc…but it gives me a nice little lift to think that I still have a chance at the third time being the charm.
So yesterday, I finally got a voicemail with details on the next cycle:
– starting Lupron – April 13th
– last BC pill – April 17
– baseline ultrasound – April 22nd
– starting stims – April 23rd
– retrieval – May 3-5
– transfer – May 6-10
So, a few things I have to point out about these dates:
- I will be starting stims the night we arrive in Virginia for our weekend/wedding extravaganza, which means that I will need to take a break from the festivities on Saturday night to find a restroom, wriggle out of my dress, and shoot myself up. So I guess my clutch can’t be a mini…there has to be room for a needle and a vial of meds!
- Technically, I should stop drinking as soon as we start the cycle so that my eggs are as healthy as possible, but sorry babies, Mommy’s going to be living it up at this wedding! The way I figure it – they’re going to be more than half Irish, so we have to start them early. 😉 Obviously, as soon as our embie/s are back in my body, no more booze, but this will definitely be my last hurrah.
- My 28th birthday is May 7th, so there is a very good likelihood that I will be doing the transfer on, or soon after my birthday. S is a little bummed because he apparently was going to surprise me with a weekend away, but I actually think that it will make this birthday feel really special.
Although it feels like we’ve been trying for a baby FOREVER (and really, four years IS a long time), I know that we are in a much better place now (in our relationship, w/our finances, etc.) than we would have been at 24 and 26. It’s weird to think about it, but my mother had me when she was 28 (I’m the oldest), and it just kind of feels right. I remember when I was growing up, I thought she was crazy for waiting that long (my parents had been married for 7 years when they had me), but now I just keep thinking about how much more ready and MATURE we are now, and how much we’ll cherish a child after everything we’ve been through.
More than anything though, I’m surprised by the rush of hope that I felt when I heard that voicemail. For a few seconds, I forgot about all of the pain and sadness from our past failed treatments, the stress and insanity we’re going through right now, the indifference and disregard I’ve been using to protect myself while on break, and the fear that I keep buried so far down that we are just not meant to have biological children. I forgot ALL of that, and actually felt HOPEFUL. And I have to say, it felt wonderful.