January 29, 2010

And just like that, it’s over.

Posted in IVF tagged , at 8:04 am by lifebytheday

Long story short…our cycle has been canceled.  The third time wasn’t the charm.  Since I found out yesterday afternoon, I’ve been alternating between hysterical crying and locking it up tight inside a corner of my mind so that I can function, which just makes me feel dead inside.  I don’t know how to process the information without stooping to one of those two lows…

On Tuesday night, after finding out that my estradiol levels were elevated (650 at that point), I was reduced from 75 mls each of Gonal-F and Repronex, to just 75 of the Repronex.  Wednesday I woke up already very uncomfortable – every step I took meant a sharp ache in my ovaries.  I went back in Wednesday morning for more monitoring, at which point there were a few measurable follicles – 8-9 on each side, ranging from 8-11 mms.  I got a call Wednesday afternoon to reduce the Repronex even further, to 37.5 mls, which meant throwing out half of the dose of meds.  Turns out that my estradiol was already up over 1,100 and the dr’s were starting to freak out. 

 Thursday morning, more monitoring, at which point, the dr told me we were in a “tenuous” situation, that we were walking a fine line between making sure the follicles developed enough to trigger, without my estradiol rising to dangerous levels.  I asked her what the likelihood was of having to cancel, and she said to stay optimistic, that we’d know more after getting the results of my blood work. 

So then I went off to do my campus project for my sales interview…five hours of walking back and forth across campus to try and catch certain people during their office hours, which my ovaries did NOT appreciate.  I got back to the office around 2 o’clock, absolutely exhausted (which kind of makes me wonder how I’d handle this job pregnant…not that I have to worry about that now). 

By 3 o’clock, I still hadn’t heard from the RE’s office, so I called and left a message.  I finally heard back at 3:45, that my cycle was cancelled and that the RE on call would call with more information.  Great, thanks.  Then, my day ended by being walked in on during my hysterical sobbing fit (was hiding in a nearby unused office), by a much more senior colleague who works in our California office.  Perfect. 

I headed out early, and got a call from the RE on my cell phone.  My estradiol had dropped down to 745, which I would have thought was good news.  Wrong.  Apparently when estradiol levels drop that “precipitously” it means that the estrogen has caused your body to ovulate on its own, but without any eggs that have reached maturity.  So with that, it was over. 

By the time I got home, I had cried myself into a migraine, so I took Tylenol and a warm bath and then settled down in my pj’s in front of the tv.  (S had plans, and I didn’t want him to cancel, so I was on my own…which was really what I wanted.)  Oh, and another part of this whole farce?  (Warning, TMI – look away Brian ;-))  While going to the bathroom last night, I noticed the CM that confirmed that yes, I am ovulating…which would have been a miracle on any other day, but last night, was just another piece of the nightmare.

So I woke up today thinking “well, maybe my ovaries will feel better after no meds last night…”  Nope, still as swollen and painful as ever, which is just a mean joke.  Oh, and even better, I have my second interview today at 11, which is why I had to pull myself together and stop crying last night, so that I wouldn’t have a swollen face for today.  I literally have to not think about it any more until after my interview, but I’m fully planning to cancel all of my plans for the weekend and stay in bed and cry.  I’m going to sleep until I wake up tomorrow, which is a HUGE treat…now that I don’t have to wake up at 6am for my Lupron.

So what now?  I’m going to call my RE today and hope that we can make a plan for immediately moving forward into our next cycle.  If I have to take another 2-3 months off between cycles (like my old RE made me do), I just may lose my mind.  I can’t believe that two months of meds and hormones, feeling sore and sick and sad…was for nothing.  When is this going to happen for ME???

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15 Comments »

  1. jsutera654 said,

    Friend. I don’t have the right words, I know they’ll all come out a jumbled mess and would invariably end up making you feel worse. As I said yesterday, I’m here night or day whenever or wherever you need me to be. ((hugs)) xoxo

  2. jolene1079 said,

    Wow, I am so sorry. That’s all I can say. I am praying for you and S, and putting my faith in God for your next round. XOXO and hugs, hugs, hugs.

  3. Meg said,

    Shockingly, words are failing me now. I am really sorry to hear this news and I will be thinking of you and S. Best of luck on the interview.
    XOXO

  4. Jen said,

    First, hugs hugs hugs and second I am so sorry you are going through this. You are a strong and amazing woman and though its not clear why all this is happening now know that you are loved! I will be praying for you and hope that your RE can help give you direction and another plan soon. HUGS

  5. K.M. said,

    I am so, so sorry that things turned out this way this time. I can’t even imagine how hard this must be. I will be thinking of you. Best of luck on your interview. Stay strong, my friend.

  6. Kari said,

    Oh sweetie I am so, so, so very sorry. I am sorry for the cancelled cycle. Sorry for the interview happening after that very crushing news. I hope that you’re able to move forward with your next cycle ASAP. Take good care of yourself this weekend and spoil yourself, you deserve it.

  7. suchagoodegg said,

    UGH. I am so, so, so sorry. As someone who has to take a forced break between every stinking Clomid cycle, I feel a fraction of your pain. It absolutely BLOWS to be making no forward progress. And all of your hopes for this cycle crushed by last night’s news…you poor thing. ((hugs)) I hope your RE has a plan that lets you jump right into the next cycle. And hopefully with all of this new info on how the inject dosing effecting your hormone levels, they can tweak your meds and get it JUST FREAKING RIGHT next time. Rooting for you to start right back up.

  8. Myndi said,

    Really sorry that this happened to you. You get so excited about the IVF and then to have it all come crashing down like that…it isn’t fair. I certainly hope you don’t have to take a long break before starting up again, and as suchagoodegg pointed out, the cycle wasn’t a complete waste. Now the doctors know more about how you’ll respond and they can use that information to perfect you’re next cycle. It’s not the end result you were looking for by any means, but at least it’s something, and something that could get you so much closer to finally having the baby of your dreams.

  9. b said,

    you know i am horrible at accurately communicating what i try to say, so i am not going to go there with explaining how we feel for you right now. nothing i can say will even come close to trying to ease the pains and frustrations. if you and s need ANYTHING, i fully expect that c and i will be near (if not at) the top of your list to call. please let s know this as well. our phones are on 24/7 and we will always have time (especially for great friends like you two).

  10. 21reena said,

    I am so so so very sorry. IF is hard enough without treatment roadblocks getting in the way. Definitely take a break this weekend and be selfish and on;y do things that make you happy. I’ll be thinking of you!

  11. AplusB said,

    I am so sorry. You must be so disappointed. Hoping very much that you can get started again soon and try a different protocol.
    Take care of yourself!

  12. egghunt said,

    I’m so sorry you are facing yet more dissapointment. Your last sentance ‘when is it going to happen for me’ really made me feel quite emotional, its so heartbreaking to watch others get good news when you contstantly feel like you can’t get off the starting blocks.
    I hope you get to see your RE soon to sort out a plan for next time, because once you get a plan things can seem so much more hopeful. (((big hugs)))

  13. cristin said,

    i can’t even express how sorry i am. if, by chance, you happen to be awake randomly tonight, i’m up. call if you need to. love you!!!!

  14. Molly said,

    I’m so sorry – having a cycle go bust is so heart breaking. I hope this gives them better information to move forward to a successful cycle and then you might actually gain something of value from this sucky situation.

  15. Jane said,

    So sorry to hear about everything that you are going through. Sending hugs your way…


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