January 29, 2010
And just like that, it’s over.
Long story short…our cycle has been canceled. The third time wasn’t the charm. Since I found out yesterday afternoon, I’ve been alternating between hysterical crying and locking it up tight inside a corner of my mind so that I can function, which just makes me feel dead inside. I don’t know how to process the information without stooping to one of those two lows…
On Tuesday night, after finding out that my estradiol levels were elevated (650 at that point), I was reduced from 75 mls each of Gonal-F and Repronex, to just 75 of the Repronex. Wednesday I woke up already very uncomfortable – every step I took meant a sharp ache in my ovaries. I went back in Wednesday morning for more monitoring, at which point there were a few measurable follicles – 8-9 on each side, ranging from 8-11 mms. I got a call Wednesday afternoon to reduce the Repronex even further, to 37.5 mls, which meant throwing out half of the dose of meds. Turns out that my estradiol was already up over 1,100 and the dr’s were starting to freak out.
Thursday morning, more monitoring, at which point, the dr told me we were in a “tenuous” situation, that we were walking a fine line between making sure the follicles developed enough to trigger, without my estradiol rising to dangerous levels. I asked her what the likelihood was of having to cancel, and she said to stay optimistic, that we’d know more after getting the results of my blood work.
So then I went off to do my campus project for my sales interview…five hours of walking back and forth across campus to try and catch certain people during their office hours, which my ovaries did NOT appreciate. I got back to the office around 2 o’clock, absolutely exhausted (which kind of makes me wonder how I’d handle this job pregnant…not that I have to worry about that now).
By 3 o’clock, I still hadn’t heard from the RE’s office, so I called and left a message. I finally heard back at 3:45, that my cycle was cancelled and that the RE on call would call with more information. Great, thanks. Then, my day ended by being walked in on during my hysterical sobbing fit (was hiding in a nearby unused office), by a much more senior colleague who works in our California office. Perfect.
I headed out early, and got a call from the RE on my cell phone. My estradiol had dropped down to 745, which I would have thought was good news. Wrong. Apparently when estradiol levels drop that “precipitously” it means that the estrogen has caused your body to ovulate on its own, but without any eggs that have reached maturity. So with that, it was over.
By the time I got home, I had cried myself into a migraine, so I took Tylenol and a warm bath and then settled down in my pj’s in front of the tv. (S had plans, and I didn’t want him to cancel, so I was on my own…which was really what I wanted.) Oh, and another part of this whole farce? (Warning, TMI – look away Brian ;-)) While going to the bathroom last night, I noticed the CM that confirmed that yes, I am ovulating…which would have been a miracle on any other day, but last night, was just another piece of the nightmare.
So I woke up today thinking “well, maybe my ovaries will feel better after no meds last night…” Nope, still as swollen and painful as ever, which is just a mean joke. Oh, and even better, I have my second interview today at 11, which is why I had to pull myself together and stop crying last night, so that I wouldn’t have a swollen face for today. I literally have to not think about it any more until after my interview, but I’m fully planning to cancel all of my plans for the weekend and stay in bed and cry. I’m going to sleep until I wake up tomorrow, which is a HUGE treat…now that I don’t have to wake up at 6am for my Lupron.
So what now? I’m going to call my RE today and hope that we can make a plan for immediately moving forward into our next cycle. If I have to take another 2-3 months off between cycles (like my old RE made me do), I just may lose my mind. I can’t believe that two months of meds and hormones, feeling sore and sick and sad…was for nothing. When is this going to happen for ME???