October 26, 2009

It still hurts…

Posted in Infertility tagged , , at 11:00 am by lifebytheday

You would think that after dealing with infertility for so long, I would have gotten used to hearing pregnancy news from other people and that I would/could/should be happy for them…but it only seems to be getting worse.  Even with my fellow bloggers – people whom I’ve never met, most of whom have also gone through IF and treatments of one kind or another – it still hurts to read their pregnancy announcements.  I actually end up not reading their blogs for a while, until the pain subsides, and I can be happy and supportive once again.  My blogroll is even divided into IF and PAIF (pregnant after infertility) blogs, and I find myself not adding new blogs if I find them in their 2WW (two week wait, pregnant until proven otherwise). 

It is both easier and more difficult with people I know in real life.  If it’s a good friend, then I know them well enough to be truly happy for them, despite my personal pain.  With acquaintances, I can be a bit more snarky.  But I still find myself unnaturally drawn to pregnant people.  I stalk friends on Faceboo.k, paying close attention to any “congratulations” on the newsfeeds, and torturing myself by stalking people about to give birth.  (P.S. folks, do NOT post things about being dilated or effaced or doctors stripping membranes on your FB page – NO ONE wants to read that.)

I’ve posted this before, but I even have this twisted deserve-o-meter in my head, where I judge whether people deserve to be pregnant/have a baby.

Un-married?  NO

First time trying?  NO

Oops baby?  NO

I even have a hard time with people successful with their first IVF treatment!  I know, I’m sick/twisted/mean…fill in the blank.  And I’m sorry if any of these things apply to you…this is not a personal attack, just my attempt at catharsis and honesty.  I know that there are hordes of IF people out there who feel the same way…I just want you to know you’re not alone. 

It’s weird and strange and sad that this is starting to bother me so much.  I still love to see babies (although again, there’s a pinch), but it’s the pregnant bellies that kill me.  I’m the first person to give up my seat on a train for a pregnant woman, and I’m that person surreptitiously (or not so much) staring at their belly across the restaurant/store/etc.  I’ve heard from some people that these thoughts don’t just go away, even after you are pregnant, but I hope that they ease up.  Feeling like a jealous, miserable, bitch SUCKS!!

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5 Comments »

  1. Kari said,

    Ooo I hear and echo each of these thoughts. Wholeheartedly. I’m so infertility-evil that I find myself wanting to scream at those couples in the infertility clinic who are celebrating the success of their first cycle that a positive pregnancy test does NOT guarantee a baby nine months later. I’m awful. I wish this wasn’t me. I wish infertility did not make me bitter. I plan to fall out of blogworld during my 2ww and not blog for a while wheter BFP or BFN. I’ve told too many people too many times about our BFP’s only to have them snatched away 9 weeks later. So we’ve decided to keep the news, either way, to ourselves. I’ll continue to follow everyone’s blogs and truly deep down wish everyone success!! Thank you for the encouragement this morning!! Thanks for helping me not feel so alone in the world of my bitter IF thoughts!!

  2. 21reena said,

    You know I can relate (from my lasy post). Hopefully we soon will cross to the other side, and not have to hide away from pregnancy news. Even though it kills me sometimes, it still gives me hope that is it worked for them, it can work for me. Good luck!

  3. sushine85 said,

    Wow! I so know exactly how you feel… Its funny because the way you speak about multiple IVF’s is how I feel about people who talk about having to do an IUI bc their dh’s s.perm isn’t so motile or whatever. I feel evil when thinking that they don’t really have a problem (when to them, and in general I admit, it is certainly a legitimate difficulty). “Try having no sperm” -I want to say to them, “at least you have the building blocks to work with”… well I could go on but it’s going to get more negative from here so best I stop now. Stay strong and positive and one day it will happen to us out here in more-than-one-IVF and zero-sperm-found land.

  4. gailly said,

    Hey, I feel exactly the same. Seeing the pregnancy bumps get to me more than seeing babies too! I’m new to blogging and it definitely helps vent some frustrations.

    Two colleagues of mine have announced their pregnancies recently. I was the first to get married in our office and start trying. The first colleague who told us her news had caught on her first attempt literally just after she got married. The second was also on her first attempt and was a pregnant 2 weeks before her wedding day. I just cannot be happy for them no matter what. I just kept thinking that it was my turn before theirs!

    Lots of luck and best wishes. Don’t feel bad about how you’re feeling!

  5. Hello! My name’s Carrie and I just stumpled upon your blog from a friend’s blogroll….
    I just completed my second IVF, with a BFN….AGAIN. We’ve been dealing with this infertility world for 4 years…and it’s miserable. My favorite part of your post was the “deserve-o-meter”!!! That’s so me!!!
    I had 3 friends, all dealing w/ IF, announce that they are pregnant this week. My reaction? WHAT!?! They haven’t been through enough yet!!! That isn’t fair!!!!! When is it my turn??

    So…thanks for putting my feelings into words………


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