October 26, 2009
It still hurts…
You would think that after dealing with infertility for so long, I would have gotten used to hearing pregnancy news from other people and that I would/could/should be happy for them…but it only seems to be getting worse. Even with my fellow bloggers – people whom I’ve never met, most of whom have also gone through IF and treatments of one kind or another – it still hurts to read their pregnancy announcements. I actually end up not reading their blogs for a while, until the pain subsides, and I can be happy and supportive once again. My blogroll is even divided into IF and PAIF (pregnant after infertility) blogs, and I find myself not adding new blogs if I find them in their 2WW (two week wait, pregnant until proven otherwise).
It is both easier and more difficult with people I know in real life. If it’s a good friend, then I know them well enough to be truly happy for them, despite my personal pain. With acquaintances, I can be a bit more snarky. But I still find myself unnaturally drawn to pregnant people. I stalk friends on Faceboo.k, paying close attention to any “congratulations” on the newsfeeds, and torturing myself by stalking people about to give birth. (P.S. folks, do NOT post things about being dilated or effaced or doctors stripping membranes on your FB page – NO ONE wants to read that.)
I’ve posted this before, but I even have this twisted deserve-o-meter in my head, where I judge whether people deserve to be pregnant/have a baby.
First time trying? NO
Oops baby? NO
I even have a hard time with people successful with their first IVF treatment! I know, I’m sick/twisted/mean…fill in the blank. And I’m sorry if any of these things apply to you…this is not a personal attack, just my attempt at catharsis and honesty. I know that there are hordes of IF people out there who feel the same way…I just want you to know you’re not alone.
It’s weird and strange and sad that this is starting to bother me so much. I still love to see babies (although again, there’s a pinch), but it’s the pregnant bellies that kill me. I’m the first person to give up my seat on a train for a pregnant woman, and I’m that person surreptitiously (or not so much) staring at their belly across the restaurant/store/etc. I’ve heard from some people that these thoughts don’t just go away, even after you are pregnant, but I hope that they ease up. Feeling like a jealous, miserable, bitch SUCKS!!