August 3, 2009

I win…

Posted in Infertility, Life at 10:10 am by lifebytheday

…the prize for worst blogger ever! 😛  July has been super busy, but I definitely need to stop making excuses and get back in the blogging saddle. 

Besides our busy summer schedule – two more long-distance weddings, various acupuncture and physical therapy appointments, and trying to squeeze in some time with friends – I’ve also been feeling pretty depressed and overwhelmed lately.  I alternate between wanting to share my feelings for their therapeutic value, and just wanting to keep them to myself.  I was raised by a psychology major and was always encouraged to talk, but I definitely tend to hold things in – under the guise of “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” – more like my dad in that respect.  I’ve been trying to spare you, my dear readers ;-), but hold your horses, the floodgates are opening!  (And yes, I realize that was a very strange mixed metaphor. LOL)

Very long story short, S is raring to start back up with IF treatments, but I’m not sure that I’m ready.  I’ve been planning to get a second opinion before proceeding further – we’ve had two failed IVF cycles, and I just want to make sure that we’re doing everything we can to make the third time the charm – but also because we moved, and so did my company’s offices, and it’s virtually impossible to get to the old office anymore.  But I’ve been putting it off because the thought of meeting a new set of doctors and nurses, and going through all of the tests again, before even “doing” anything, is just exhausting.  Add that to the fact that we still don’t have enough insurance for a full cycle, and that we’re also trying to save $ to re-do our bathroom, and I just feel like running away.

I know that I’m just burying my head in the sand, that once I make that first phone call, I’ll get in the game and everything will be fine.  I think the major issue though, is that I know what to expect.  It’s so much harder for me to be excited and optimistic this time, because I know that the chances of success are only 50% (or less), and that I’m in for another rollercoaster ride of getting fat and psychotic from the drugs.  That’s the biggie…I’ve really enjoyed this past year, being able to go out with friends (and drink again, lol!) and just not thinking about my infertility!  I don’t know if I’m ready to start tracking cycle days, scheduling my evenings around daily shots, and going to the dr’s office every other day for blood tests and ultrasounds.  I’m also frustrated that this past year of dieting, herbs, and acupuncture hasn’t made a difference.  I wish that I could skip it all and just be pregnant…

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2 Comments »

  1. Jess said,

    Aw sweetie, you are being so hard on yourself! You are TOTALLY allowed to feel the way you’re feeling because it is quite a rollercoaster you’ve been on. Try to listen to your heart – if you aren’t quite ready to take the leap again, maybe give it a wee bit more time until your heart and your body is ready for the plunge…and in the meantime, you know we’re all here supporting you every step of the way. xoxo

  2. jolene1079 said,

    Agree with Jess on this one completely – you are allowed to feel everything – and more – and realizing that is half the battle 😉 Go with your gut, and you can’t go wrong…and you and S are always, always, in my prayers!!!


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