July 7, 2009
Penny for my thoughts…
I’m sure many of you have noticed that I haven’t mentioned anything IF-related in quite some time. For weeks now, I’ve had all kinds of conflicting thoughts bouncing around in my head – I’ve decided it’s finally time to get them out before my head explodes!
I still haven’t seen AF, nor any sign of OV, and I’ve kind of been pulling an ostrich – burying my head in the sand and trying to pretend like everything is alright, or at least that it doesn’t bother me. Since we went on a “break” from IF treatments (about nine months ago), I’ve had to force myself not to think about “trying” as much – which is hard for someone used to tracking cycle days, hormone levels, drug dosages, etc!
Some days I don’t think about it at all – which is a really nice break mentally and emotionally – but other days I feel SO guilty, like I’m being selfish and just wasting time. Logically, I know that’s not true – I’ve been eating better, doing acupuncture, and taking herbs – all things that are helping to make my body more ready to be pregnant. It’s so hard though – time just goes by so fast and it’s hard not to feel like I should be doing something more actively. I have to keep telling myself that “actively” pursuing treatments didn’t actually work any better – it’s been about a year since our last failed IVF treatment put me in the hospital – and that the acupuncture still might work.
S and I had a long talk (while driving up to my cousin’s wedding ;-)), and agreed that we’d continue as is through the end of the summer (I couldn’t start anything back up yet anyways – still have so many more out-of-town weddings!), and then will pursue another round of IVF. Everything is made more challenging, of course, by the dreaded M-word. Money. My company was supposed to change insurance plans, to one that covered IF treatments at 100% (a law in MA), but again, managed to find the loophole that allowed them to avoid that. So…I have a new plan with a $5K maximum (not even enough for one round of IVF), which means S and I have to do some serious SAVING.
However, we are also planning to renovate our bathroom in early fall (desperately needed – I told S that I’d delay the next round of IVF so that I have a nice new bathroom for me to do my shots in, a new tub to take warm baths for my aching ovaries, and a new toilet to puke in once we finally get pregnant! :-P). So saving and paying for that has to come first, which means IVF goes on the back burner again.
I really think I’m okay with it though…saving and planning (my favorite thing to do, can you tell? ;-)) for a while will enable us to get through the busy summer time and then pursue a second opinion at a new clinic (something I’ve been planning to do for the past year). Then, when we’re financially ready to start back up, everything else will be in place. Plus, we’ll be shifting into winter clothes so I’ll be able to hide my medicine bloat belly. 😛
I just have to focus on one day at a time, and try to remember that I will be a mother, someday.