Even though A did great with his feeding in the hospital, I couldn’t escape the fact that I had really wanted one of those natural deliveries where the baby is immediately placed on your chest and nurses within the hour.  In fact, at one point S and I were watching tv and he found a breastfeeding program on the hospital channel…thinking that he was doing a good thing, he left it on, until he looked over and saw me sobbing.  I think that my worries about breastfeeding ended up being my outlet for all of the hormones and emotions, so every minor issue felt like a really big deal to me.

The first time that we were able to try breastfeeding was on the day before we were sent home, and needless to say, it didn’t go so well (thanks in large part to a crazy lactation lady).  Then with everything that we needed to do to get discharged on Sunday, we didn’t breastfeed again until that night at home…and all of a sudden, he just latched right on!  I still wanted to make sure we knew how much he was getting, so we just did five minutes on each side and then gave him a bottle (of frozen breastmilk).  But by Monday afternoon, I thought that we were home free.  I stopped pumping and only gave A a bottle when he still seemed hungry and to top him off in the evening. 

All was going well (including his weight gain!) until a visit by another lactation consultant on Thursday.  She basically told me that it didn’t matter that he had gained weight, that he wasn’t sucking properly and that my milk supply was probably going down because he wasn’t working my breasts enough.  And let’s just say, she didn’t have the best bedside manner to begin with.  I took her feedback really hard – partly because I had had enough pumping to last me a lifetime, and she was saying that I had to keep doing it, and partly because I felt like my baby was “broken” and didn’t know what to do about it.  She kept saying that he was acting like a preemie (which really pissed me off because it seemed like she was saying it was our fault for inducing him early) and didn’t even give me any tips for changing his sucking pattern beyond “keep pumping to increase your milk supply.” 

At our second weight check that Friday, I told my pediatrician what she had said and he reassured me that with the amount of weight he had gained (chart below for posterity), that the few ounces we were giving him by bottle were not where he was getting his calories, that he was getting everything he needed from me.  Since she had been right in one respect – that my supply had gone down slightly – I decided to keep pumping a few times a day (after he ate, just to get what he wasn’t), and we continued giving him “top-offs” once or twice a day. 

About a week and a half after getting home, I started noticing that he was sucking better – not the “flutter suck” (suck, suck, suck, stop…), but more consistent.  I’m not sure what changed, besides the fact that he was bigger and had had more practice sucking.  The following week, I met with another lactation consultant and she reassured me that we were doing everything right, but just gave us a few tips for making things better/easier.  After he had gained over a pound a week for two weeks in a row, I was finally able to relax and trust that it was “working”. 

I have to admit, breastfeeding was something that I REALLY wanted to do, and I was worried that my body would disappoint me once again.  So it was really nice that we didn’t have a milk supply issue to deal with on top of everything else…I finally felt like my body was doing SOMETHING right.

So, despite all of the stress and the slow start that we had, things have actually gone really well and A has continued to gain weight like a champ!  From his lowest point of 5.5 lbs, he is now over 11.5!  And he’s so long that we officially had to move him into 3 month clothing (on his 7 week birthday)!  Here’s a more recent picture of my chubby boy:

One piece of advice for new moms or moms-to-be…if you are pumping at all, make sure that the breast shields/flanges are big enough (i.e. not rubbing).  I am small chested and just figured that I could use the smallest attachments…until it got to a point where I couldn’t stand under the running water in the shower.  Two days after going up a size there was NO more pain!  (If you’re in need of any more tips or tricks, let me know…I’ve learned a lot!)

So, I’m just going to have to start from the beginning…

A’s last few days in the hospital went exactly as planned, and we brought him home on Sunday, June 12^th – our seven year wedding anniversary! 

Our little boy all wrapped up and ready to go home!

It wasn’t exactly the romantic occasion that it has been in the past, but it was still one of the best days of our lives.  Honestly though, if I had had to spend one more night in the hospital, they might have needed to check ME in as a patient!

The first night was comical in retrospect…we thought we were so prepared, but we didn’t even have the diaper pail put together!  We woke up in the morning to a pile of dirty diapers on the corner of the changing table, a full load of dirty blankets and burp cloths, and no real idea of who got up with the baby when!

The next few weeks were a blur of breastfeeding (more on that later) and doctor’s appointments and just figuring out how to squeeze in a shower once a day! 

More tomorrow….

I guess I will start with the good news…A’s surgery went beautifully and despite a few minor setbacks, he is doing AWESOME tolerating his feeds, and it’s looking likely that we’ll get to go home on Sunday…which is also our 7 year anniversary!!  We honestly can’t think of a better present than being home together as a family, and we’re just praying that things continue to go well enough that we can get OUT OF HERE.

It has been such a whirlwind that I almost can’t believe that he’ll be TWO WEEKS OLD tomorrow…and I’m really struggling to remember exactly what happened when.  I tried to write it down in timeline form, and I know that I’m forgetting some things…but for posterity, here goes:

• Saturday 5/28 – A was born!
• Sunday 5/29 – surgery @ 3pm, done around 7
• Monday 5/30 – slept all day, woke up around 8, decreased ventilator support
• Tuesday 5/31 – dozed most of the day, pressure trials w/ventilator, pooped! (expected 4-5 days after surgery and A did it in two!), woke up MAD at 8ish, ventilator removed
• Wednesday 6/1 – started feeding in NJ tube (threaded from his nose through his stomach and intestines and past the repair), lost both IVs, took 2 ½ hrs to put a new one in; I was discharged from the hospital and moved into the “sleep suites” (i.e. a single dorm room)
• Thursday 6/2 – up to half feeds, NJ tube accidentally pulled out (by a nurse who was handing him to me, HUGE disappointment)
• Friday 6/3 – OG (oral-gastric) tube (to remove bile not being processed through bowels) to gravity, tried to insert picc line (central IV, to provide full nutrition vs. fluids) in NICU, veins too small
• Saturday 6/4 – discharged from NICU and moved to surgical recovery floor, IV team tried again to insert picc line, OG tube clamped, added lipids to IV; I was able to move in with him and had my first night of being in charge and feeling like a MOM! (would have been better if he wasn’t so hungry…)
• Sunday 6/5 – continued tests of OG tube residuals (5 ccs at 7pm), vomited twice in afternoon/early evening, lost IV; Mommy’s first meltdown
• Monday 6/6 – picc line and NG tube placed (under general anethesia), started continuous feeding at 1ml/hr, slept most of the afternoon and overnight
• Tuesday 6/7 – increased to 2ml (then 3), first bottle!
• Wednesday 6/8 – increased to 4ml (then 5), slept through the night
• Thursday 6/9 – up to 10 ml/hr in morning (then 11, 12), changed dressing on picc line, hep B vaccine, car seat test overnight, much happier with a full belly
• Friday 6/10 – up to 18 mls by the afternoon (30 ml bottle at noon)
• Saturday 6/11 – will space out feedings to two hours (then three), then we’ll be able to start breastfeeding!
• Sunday 6/12 – hopefully going HOME by the afternoon

So those are the bare bones facts, but they definitely don’t convey the full impact of the past two weeks.  I’m sure that not many people would admit to this, but I initially had a really hard time connecting with the baby.  I didn’t get to hold him after he was born because of the c-section, and for the first two days, I was in so much pain that it was all I could do to be wheeled over to his bedside…I couldn’t even stand up to see him in his crib, and only got to hold him once (later in the afternoon on the day he was born) in the first three days.  It wasn’t until I was well enough to stand up and pick him up on my own that I started to feel like I had a baby…and not until a few days later when I had learned what soothed him that I truly felt like a Mom.  Besides the worry of his surgery, the disconnectedness made for a very emotional few days, and S and I were both extremely relieved when I started to feel better, both physically and emotionally. 

Then between the setback of the NJ tube being pulled out, and their inability to place a central IV to give him IV nutrition, we started to get very discouraged.  He had been doing so well and it felt like a huge weight being added to our shoulders to have those few days of backwards progress.  And in addition to that, because the tube had been pulled out, he needed several additional procedures and needle sticks that just broke our hearts.  We knew that he needed the nutrition, but listening to him cry through every IV attempt was torture.  Luckily, by then I knew how to soothe him – and that he recognized my voice and my touch – so I just focused on doing what I could to make him feel better through each procedure.  Once we finally got the picc line placed on Monday, things definitely started looking up. 

Luckily, his feeds have been going great the whole time, and with each increase, he becomes a happier (and sleepier!) baby…amazing what a full tummy will do.

And as a reward for getting through this long update, here are some new photos:

Content...look at that red hair!

This is how I found him after my shower yesterday...luckily he's still on the monitors

And this is what I found when I took the blankets off his face...hi everybody!

On Friday morning, I drove myself into Boston for our last round of OB appointments, and a decision as to when we’d be induced.  We were expecting to receive confirmation that our induction would be scheduled for Tuesday night…but I guess I should have known that something was going to happen, purely because S couldn’t get away from work.  (The only other time he hadn’t come with me for a major appointment was at the one where we found the baby’s stomach issue.)

At 8am I was scheduled for a BPP and for the first time, during the one ultrasound where they actually wanted the baby to move, baby boy slept so much that they had to buzz him twice in order to measure movements.  He continued to be quiet for the rest of the morning (still moving, but was not as spastic as usual) so by the time I saw the OB at 10am, I was feeling a little nervous.  And after hearing the words “decreased fetal movement” – combined with the fact that I was now 1 cm dilated, with all the extra fluid and slight separation of the layers of the placenta (chorio-amniotic separation, not a new issue apparently but the first time it had been mentioned to me) – the OB decided that the time had come.  I was going to be induced THAT DAY.

So at 11:30, they walked me upstairs to L&D and checked me into triage.  I called S told him to GET READY and come join me!!  I told him to take his time though – shower and pack the last few things in our hospital bags – so you know what he did?  Went shopping for a new pair of shorts and sneakers so that he would be clean at the hospital. LOL!!

At 12:15 they placed Cytotec to soften my cervix and get me ready for Pitocin, and literally a half an hour later I started having cramps and contractions.  The cramps were pretty constant and not fun, and by the time S got in (around 2), I was pretty miserable.  My dad had driven him in (so we’d only have one car at the hospital), so the three of us went for a walk to get some fresh air, and frozen yogurt.   We came back at 3:15 for a cervix check and I was unfortunately still at 1 cm…but my contractions were so close together that they couldn’t give me another Cytotec and didn’t want to start Pitocin yet. 

There was talk about another amnio to take some of the extra fluid out (so that the baby’s head would be closer to my cervix), but they wanted my contractions to calm down a little, so for a while, they just gave me IV fluids and monitored us.  After another hour or so (and actually getting checked into L&D), they checked my cervix again so we could decide what to do next, and I was all of a sudden at 3 cm!  My body had actually kicked into real labor by itself (!), so they left me to continue on. 

Instead of an amnio, the doctors decided to do a slow leak of my fluid in order to bring the baby closer to my cervix, not by rupturing the bag, but by using the internal fetal monitor to make a small puncture.  They called it a trickle, but let me tell you, it sure felt like a gush to me.   Soon after, my contractions started coming much stronger and so close together, that I literally couldn’t take a breath.  I had gotten permission to get an epidural when I needed one, and although I really didn’t want one, I only lasted through thirty minutes of non-stop contractions before I asked for the anesthesiologist. 

My epidural was placed around 6:30, and along with blessed relief came a change in shift and a nurse straight from heaven.  I felt a little bit like I had caved too soon, but I knew that I just couldn’t keep up with the pain if I wasn’t going to get even little breaks in between the contractions.  The epidural ended up being a really good decision in hindsight.

At this point, around 8:30, I was about 5 cms dilated and comfortable enough that S and I were able to doze a little bit.  I was still able to feel the contractions, but they were manageable…not pain, just a lot of pressure in my backside.  Around 11:30, I told the nurse that I really thought I needed to poop and she was like “umm, why don’t we have the doctor check you?”  Turns out that I was FULLY DILATED, and had progressed from 5-10 cms in three hours!!  This was the second moment when I truly appreciated having the epidural…no way would I have been able to make it through transition that quickly.

By midnight we were ready to push, and I was getting really excited about how well our labor was going.  I should have known better.  We pushed until 2:30, when the doctors gave me a 45 minute warning – that I only had until the 3 hour mark before we had to move to plan B, and either use a vacuum or do C-section.  I didn’t want to do either, so I pushed my heart out until the deadline, but baby boy just did not want to turn or come down (he was sunny side up and despite several attempts to reposition me and turn him, he wouldn’t budge). 

So I agreed to the vacuum extraction, thinking that was the lesser of two evils, and just prayed for my poor little boy’s head.  We were allowed two “pop-offs” of the vacuum, and after the second one, you could feel the whole room sink in disappointment.  We literally had no choice but to move to a C-section, and at that point, I was heartsick but too exhausted to fight it.  I just resigned myself to the fact that this was what needed to happen, and put all my trust and faith in the team that had been by my side for hours.

They wheeled me down, and after everything that I had been through for the past 16 hours, my exhaustion and emotions won out.  I dozed off and on while they got me prepped.  In fact, when Shane was allowed in, he asked them if I was drugged because I almost couldn’t keep my eyes open enough to respond to him. 

After one more minor dramatic episode – (the doctor urgently called for the table to be lowered and when they told her that it was as low as it could go, asked for a stepstool…turns out that we had pushed so well that he was literally stuck in my pelvis and someone had to help push him back up and out) – our little boy was born at 4:37am. 

He came out with the cutest little cry, at which point tears just started pouring down my face.  S gave me a quick kiss and ran over to be with the baby while he got examined.  And I have to tell you, listening to S talk to his son for the first time was the most amazing moment of my life.  He was telling him how much we love him, and why did he give his mommy such a hard time… ;-)  And he jumped right in when they were ready to cut the cord and asked one of the nurses to take a picture of him doing it so that I could see it later.  He was just instantly a dad and it was beautiful.

S went with the NICU team to bring the baby to the adjoining hospital while they sewed me back up.  And let me tell you friends, that is NOT a quick process, nothing like what you see on the tv shows!  The rest of my surgery went well though, and after a few hours in recovery, we were brought to a postpartum room.  Then after a meal and a long nap, S wheeled me to the Children’s Hospital so that I could see (and hold!) my baby for the first time. 

More to follow…

6 lbs 2 oz (I made my goal!) and 20 inches, completely healthy and perfect (besides his belly issue), with the cutest strawberry blond hair!   

He had surgery late Sunday afternoon and everything went great, just as they expected.  It took him a while to come around – he finally woke up last night around 8 – but he’s hanging tough and doing really well. 

Labor story to follow…I’m off to visit my boy!

So I’m sitting in the chair getting foils put in and all of a sudden Bailey is standing next to me!  It’s a beautiful day out here today so the doors to S’s shop and the salon were both open, and she just took it upon herself to walk next door!  I was mortified but all of the girls were like, “We don’t mind, Bailey likes visiting us!”  So I let her stay for the 15 minutes until S realized she wasn’t just asleep at his front door and came over to find her…and yes, I still think he’s going to be a great dad.

So Bailey goes back with S and 10 minutes later (I’m now sitting under the heater in the back), in she walks again!  We walked her back over, but 5 minutes later she was back again!!  I finally gave up and just let her sleep at my feet for the rest of my appointment, but it was SO funny! 

Honestly, she has never been like that with me…since she got so used to being with S as a puppy, she’s always been more attached to him (unless she’s not feeling well or is in trouble and then she wants her mommy ).  I never took it personally, but Bailey is definitely S’s and Killian is mine.  But now that I think about it, the fact that she has to walk upstairs with me every time I go to the bathroom probably should have clued me in.  In fact, take a look at where she is right now…

My "working" station - complete with tray table, pillow, and heating pad.

As close as she can get to me and still be on the floor!

So now I’m wondering if she has just gotten used to being with me now that I’m spending most of my time at home…or maybe she knows something I don’t know and we’ll be going into labor soon!  Either way, it was super cute…I just hope she doesn’t get upset when I’m gone at the NICU for two weeks!

Our “official” induction date won’t be set until our appointment on Friday, but right now, we’re 99% sure that we’re going to be induced next Tuesday night, the 31st, in order to have him on June 1st.  That way, his surgery will be on Thursday or Friday when there are more bodies and support available at the hospital. 

I was talking to S yesterday and he mentioned that he might take Monday off of work.  (Yes it’s a holiday, but that never means much to my husband.)    So I said, that would be great, but you know you have to take next Wednesday and Thursday off as well, right?  And he was like, “why?”

At first I thought he was kidding, but he legitimately had not made the connection between what was going to happen and when!  We’ve been in this hurry up and wait mode for several weeks now, and it has felt like baby boy’s birth is so far away, but now it’s really right around the corner!

We’ve discussed that it really doesn’t make sense for S to take time off just to sit with me in the NICU, that I’d rather he take some time off when we bring the baby home…but he obviously needs to be with me when we’re actually in labor (LOL!) and when the baby’s having surgery.  The following days and weeks we’ll just have to play by ear.

So now I just have to find ways to keep myself busy for the next week – when I can’t actually DO anything without setting off a round of contractions!  So frustrating.  I guess I should probably work on my shower thank yous, huh?

My mother worked so hard to make my day extra special, and it was everything I could have dreamed of.  Friends, family, good food, a delicious cake…and even some mimosas! ;-)

Here are some photos of our big day:

Me, amidst all the loot

My mom and I, measuring for the "guess how big the belly is" game.

The person who came closest at every table won a gift card (and if there was an over/under tie, the person who guessed under won)!

Me and my cousin (who was almost a week overdue and went into labor that night!)

 

Me and my grandfather, trying to hug with our bellies in the way

 

Another shot with my Grampy

 

Some of my besties

 

The yummy cake - two layers, chocolate and vanilla - a preggo's dream!

 

 

Our guest book/frame - people signed in blue or pink to guess boy or girl!

 

Scary belly shot

 

Me, my mom, and my aunts

 

With my brothers' girlfriends

All in all, it was more than I could have dreamed of…but also completely overwhelming and exhausting.   But it is definitely a day I will never forget, and that I feel so grateful to have had the chance to experience.  I felt so loved and our little one is already a very lucky boy. 

How am I feeling?  Physically, better after the amnio – I had been having a lot of back pain and stretching pain in my sides, and was starting to get really swollen ankles and calves, but all of that has been better over the past week or so.  (During my amnio, the doctor’s kept asking if I had been uncomfortable, and I was like “well yeah, but everyone says that you’re miserable at the end of your pregnancy…how was I supposed to know??”  And they told me that I had probably been as uncomfortable as someone 42-weeks pregnant or pregnant with twins.  Geesh!)  I’m starting to get some mild back pain again, so I know the fluid is starting to build up again, but hopefully we can get through two more weeks of relative comfort. 

Mentally?  Well, you know.  I’m feeling much better today, and am focusing on the few things that I learned yesterday to try and give myself a picture to hold onto for the next few weeks.

Physical changes (just want to put a stake in the ground as this will probably be one of my last official updates!):
- My stomach has definitely dropped over the past week or so.  I keep asking S if I’ve gotten smaller and he’s like “umm….NO”  lol…but between having the fluid removed and dropping, I feel much more “compact”
- I also officially have STRETCH MARKS (*gasp!*)…not on my stomach (oh no, I could always cover those with a one piece bathing suit), but on my hips and upper thighs!  Yucko!!  They’re not too bad yet (S tells me I’m beautiful and pretends he can’t even see them )…but I guess I’m officially a mother now, right?
- My boobs are starting to hurt again, so I hope that means they’re getting ready to do their job!

Weight gain?  +26 (although I had been up to +34 pre-amnio…lost 8 lbs in the 36 hours following the procedure and have held steady for the past week)

Other updates:
- I finally packed our hospital bag (!), and I also repacked baby boy’s bag.  The only things he’ll be allowed to wear in the NICU are hats and socks/booties, so the bag is now full of blankets, and every hat and sock we own…and yes, I bought a few more cute hats first thing this morning.

Upcoming milestones – Induction (and meeting this baby!) on June 1st or 2nd!!

Photo(s) to come…promise!

One of the girls in my prenatal exercise class just lost her baby (no heartbeat) at almost seven months.

S and I feel absolutely sick, not only for what she must be going through, but because we know how differently our story could have ended.

Yes, our baby has a birth defect (which also makes me sick to my stomach), but he is going to be fixed as good as new and will get a chance to grow up healthy and strong.  There hasn’t been a minute of this pregnancy that we have taken for granted, but it has been eye opening to realize how far you can get in a pregnancy and still have things go wrong.  I am so grateful to God that he has kept our baby safe, even despite a little developmental “oopsie” (as our surgeon called it). 

So with all that said, I’ll just give you guys a quick update…

Baby boy is still growing with a nice, strong heartbeat, so the doctors are thinking that they’ll wait to induce me until 39 weeks.  Yes, that means TWO MORE WEEKS.  I honestly don’t mind dealing with contractions and being uncomfortable for another two weeks, especially if it means that he is bigger and better able to get through surgery, but I really don’t know if I’m going to be able to maintain my sanity for that long. 

I am so anxious to have his surgery behind us that it’s literally keeping me up at night.  We have no way of knowing how his recovery is going to go (eating, breastfeeding, how long he’ll be in the NICU, etc.) until he gets here and they do the formal diagnosis and his actual surgery.  And I don’t do well with not knowing.

We met with a lactation consultant and got a NICU tour this afternoon, and while both appointments went well, I was really looking for answers that they just couldn’t provide.  So even though we left with some good information – and proof that the NICU is not as scary as we were imagining – I just couldn’t shake my bad mood.  Until I got home and God gave me a good ‘ole dope slap. 

So with that said, I’m going to give S an extra hug and baby boy an extra rub and thank God for my family and our health.  I know you guys don’t know her, but would you keep M and her husband in your thoughts and prayers over the next few days?