June 2, 2010

Still numb

Posted in Infertility tagged , at 9:45 am by lifebytheday

Back from a nice long weekend, but unfortunately, reality didn’t disappear while we were away.

Yesterday, S and I met with Dr. T to talk about next steps.  To be completely honest, I wasn’t – and still am not – emotionally ready for another cycle, but my cycles are so long (between the BC pills, Lupron, and my seesaw response) that I feel like I need to keep the ball rolling.  S and I have agreed to do one more cycle, and if that doesn’t work, we’ll need to think seriously and carefully about a Plan B. 

It may sound like I’m okay with that, but really, a little piece of me dies every time I have to acknowledge that we might not ever have biological children.  Which, instead of making this easier and better as time goes by, instead is making me feel more and more dead inside.

We asked Dr. T if there were any other tests we could or should do to figure out if my eggs are the problem (he said no), and whether he thinks that the seesawing of the medication caused the embryo quality issues (again no).  He said that my up and down E2 levels reflect the little follies trying to grow and being suppressed, not the lead follicles growing and stopping – which makes sense.

Aside from the fact that we obviously didn’t get pregnant, he thinks that the cycle went well – implied, “as well as can be expected with my issues.”  He reminded us that I am so far outside the norm that I can’t compare myself to anyone else, but thinks that it isn’t unreasonable for us to try one more time. 

We pushed him a little to suggest what we should do if this cycle doesn’t work – to which he replied that we should take it one cycle at a time – but he also agreed that we should start to discuss and consider a plan B because of the higher-than-normal risks and lower-than-normal potential with each cycle. 

He confirmed that we should be looking at egg donation over surrogacy, since my response is so tenuous and we’ve not ever had perfect quality embryos – and obviously have never been pregnant – but there’s not (yet) any evidence to suggest that I can not carry a child.  He also mentioned adoption and other experimental therapies, as additional options down the road.

He also strongly suggested that we talk to a therapist that specializes in infertility.  I’ve seen someone before (not a specialist) and was disappointed, but I know that this is something I need to do.  I’m really floundering, and am hoping that I can find someone to help me process my thoughts and emotions.  S has a hard time accepting that he can’t be everything that I need, and it’s hard for me to explain.  I know that he is always there for me, but I just don’t want to end up being the weak link in our marriage.

I just never thought this would be me – that 4 years and 4 IVF cycles into treatments – that we would still be without a family.  I never thought that this blog would turn so depressing – I even used to try and avoid blogs like mine is now, so that I could try and stay positive while going through treatments.  So for those of you still hanging around, reading my depressing thoughts, I’m sorry. 

I even purposely named my blog something non-IF related, so that it would still be relevant when I was pregnant and parenting down the road.  Now, those things might never happen, and I just don’t know how to move forward from here…

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8 Comments »

  1. Kari said,

    I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this place. It’s a dark and lonely place. There are no easy answers, only question after unanswerable question. I know. I wish that there was a way to see into your future to show you that you will once again feel happy and life will get better. I think talking to someone who specializes in infertility is a great idea. It’s not to take away from S but to help you process through the complex and tangled web of emotions. My husband felt pretty powerless to help me through when I was truly feeling the most helpless and the least hopeful. Just know that although you feel so alone, there are others who are right there with you. There are others who’ve been there and back and know how you’re feeling. It doesn’t help you feel better I know. I have to tell you that after each and every cycle I felt the need to plow right into the next one. I didn’t take time to regroup because I was afraid to wait, my cycles were long too. I had forced breaks after my D&C’s, but other than that I didn’t listen to myself when I knew I wasn’t ready. I finally forced myself to take a break when I was at my absolute lowest point, I just couldn’t go on. That break was my saving grace. It allowed me to regroup. To nurse my wounds. To heal my hurts as best I could. Listen to yourself. You know yourself better than anyone and despite what you may be feeling towards yourself allow yourself to hear if you need a break. I truly hope that you find some peace.

  2. jsutera654 said,

    Aw babe, you are being so incredibly strong (even if you don’t think you are) through what is a ridiculously trying time. I’m continually amazed and inspired by your strength and especially the strength you and S have shown together throughout. You’ve been through so much and I so wish I could see around the bend into your future. I know there’s a family there somewhere, I just wish I could help you get there somehow, too. I’m here for you no matter what, but I think you knew that already.;) Sending hugs…

  3. Squashgirl said,

    I know its hard not to look back and feel like you aren’t where you thought you would be and still searching for answers about the future. It is lonely time for sure. I hope you know that your blog is quite inspiring and not gloomy like you might think, you have a lot of cheerleaders out there routing you on.

    It sounds like your Dr. is giving you good advice but only you can make the decision to go forward when you are ready. I will pray for your strength and clarity to make a good decision.

    Hopefully if you see a specialist they will be able to work through the next steps with you and S. You do have a very good perspective though and I am routing for you!

  4. jolene1079 said,

    One step in front of the next, and one cycle at a time…I think you’ve stated it here in not so many words. Just know that whatever happens is meant to, truly. XO friend.

  5. Kelly said,

    Hang in there, friend. I know that is easy for others to say but I do really hope that you will continue to look ahead and keep at least a little hope in your back pocket. :) Do what makes sense for you – if you are not ready for another cycle right now, that’s okay. It sounds like you have a good doctor and I know that finding a good therapist helped me immensely. Good luck.

  6. suchagoodegg said,

    The dark days absolutely tear my heart apart. And you are in a very dark place, all of my heart goes out to you.

    But I feel like there are little green roots of hope peeking out from the darkness. Another cycle. Cling to that.

    I have hope for you. I believe. And I love your RE, because he will do everything in his power to make this WORK.

  7. egghunt said,

    Oh its so hard. I hear you completely. I find myself not wanting to post anything on my blog at the moment as I am tired of my depressing posts. But this is our lives, its real and unfortunately we have to find a way to make it work. I hope you can find some time (and a good therapist) to rejuvenate your soul. I truely believe that when I saw my counsellor a few years ago it was a big turning point for me, she helped me in so many ways and has given me coping skills that I use daily now. One step and one day at a time, thats all you can do. xxx

  8. 21reena said,

    I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so down. You are not alone in feeling this way and infertillity often leaves us all feeling alone. I think counceling is a great idea, it helps so many people.

    I hope cycling again will do it, but I’m glad you’re also looking to a PLan B, because if you have that in place, then this cycle won’t feel like a make it or break it.

    We’re here for you!


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