May 26, 2010

Struggling

Posted in Faith, Infertility at 9:55 am by lifebytheday

I’m still struggling.  After spending Monday morning crying so hard that I had to ice my face before my noon-time appointment, I’ve been trying to push my thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind, just in order to survive. 

Yesterday I felt better…or I did until Aunt Flo arrived.  I thought I’d at least have a week before she showed up, to enjoy my husband ;-) and enjoy feeling good for a change.  But no, I didn’t even make it four days after stopping the PIO…and sorry for the TMI, but this one’s a doozy.  It probably doesn’t help that it’s a thousand degrees in MA (which I’m actually really enjoying), but I’m feeling really sick and woozy.

Seriously though, there is nothing more cruel than the arrival of your period after a BFN.  Not only are the cramps cruelly similar to what I’ve been feeling over the past two weeks, but it’s a reminder that my womb is still empty, and that all of the drugs I’ve taken and weight I’ve gained have been for nothing.

More than anything though, I’ve really been struggling with my faith.  I’m feeling so hurt and angry that I can’t even bring myself to pray.  I just feel like pulling a Nancy Kerrigan (“Why me?!?”) on the man upstairs.  Yesterday, I ended up emailing a fellow IF blogger who has constantly impressed me with her faith, asking for help.  She reminded me of several truths that I need to try to find my way back to:

  1. God is good, not mean or spiteful
  2. God loves me
  3. God will not make me suffer in vain

I’m having a really hard time believing these things right now, but I know that they are true, and I hope that by reading and re-reading them, that I’ll soon be able to let God back into my heart and soul.  I’m feeling too worn down to pray for myself right now, but if anyone has an extra prayer or two to send my way, I’d be truly grateful.

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8 Comments »

  1. APlusB said,

    Definitely praying. Hang in there!

  2. jsutera654 said,

    I’ve been praying for you everyday friend, and will add another one for you tonight, promise. xo

    I’ve found that when I’m truly feeling like I have nothing left to give and if I’ve ever questioned God, something snaps me out of it at the exact right time, often it the daily emails I get from Joel Osteen, or his weekly sermon on Sunday nights. This caught my eye and I thought of you – it’s about having faith in God even when it seems there is no good road ahead – and I know it’s hard to trust when you’re in such a dark, sad place, I thought it might help a teeny bit:

    You can trust God’s faithfulness in your life. It’s what faith is all about. Even through disappointments and long periods of waiting for breakthrough, you can rest knowing God has a way, He’s working behind the scenes and He has a plan. God is faithful to His Word, and He has you in the palm of His hand. Knowing this, you don’t have to live life worried, stressed, and trying to figure everything out according to your timetable. You can simply trust God and stay in peace. If you will do your part and believe even when it looks impossible and not let your mind, emotions, or other people talk you out of it, then God promises in due season at the right time, He will bring His promises to pass!

  3. Liz said,

    I am five months out and just now starting to let God/faith back in to my world. This whole experience/journey really rattles you right down to the core. I was to go for my last beta 12/22 and really believing I was going to have a x-mas miracle. 12/19 flo arrived while i was x-mas shopping and my life… changed. It is a process that we as IF women can and will survive. I am sending prayers your way… now that I am praying again.

  4. Em said,

    I am praying and praying for you guys. This is when you need your faith the most: Jeremiah 29:11, Philippians 4:13, Psalm 37:4, Psalm 20:4

  5. jolene1079 said,

    Couldn’t have said it better than Jess said above, and am praying extra hard for you as well. I wish I could wipe it away for you (and damn that period…!), but since I can’t, all I can do is pray and support. XO.

  6. Hillary said,

    I am experiencing similar grief and crying sessions – thanks for the tip about icing the face.

    I wish I could give you a real-life hug right now. There are no words. I will be praying for you.

  7. Ashley said,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I wish there was something I could do for you! I will be thinking about you and hoping that things will get better.

  8. 21reena said,

    It is SO SO SO hard. I’m often questioning so much myself. I don’t if in your faith you believe in Mary, but a simple prayer I learned when I was little – and that I found myself saying over and over before my ER is “My Mother, my confidence”…I have to believe that Mary is also looking out for all of us mothers to be and I have confidence that she will be there for us. Hope this helps a little – that and I’m sending you HUGE HUGS. xo


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