May 26, 2010
I’m still struggling. After spending Monday morning crying so hard that I had to ice my face before my noon-time appointment, I’ve been trying to push my thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind, just in order to survive.
Yesterday I felt better…or I did until Aunt Flo arrived. I thought I’d at least have a week before she showed up, to enjoy my husband and enjoy feeling good for a change. But no, I didn’t even make it four days after stopping the PIO…and sorry for the TMI, but this one’s a doozy. It probably doesn’t help that it’s a thousand degrees in MA (which I’m actually really enjoying), but I’m feeling really sick and woozy.
Seriously though, there is nothing more cruel than the arrival of your period after a BFN. Not only are the cramps cruelly similar to what I’ve been feeling over the past two weeks, but it’s a reminder that my womb is still empty, and that all of the drugs I’ve taken and weight I’ve gained have been for nothing.
More than anything though, I’ve really been struggling with my faith. I’m feeling so hurt and angry that I can’t even bring myself to pray. I just feel like pulling a Nancy Kerrigan (“Why me?!?”) on the man upstairs. Yesterday, I ended up emailing a fellow IF blogger who has constantly impressed me with her faith, asking for help. She reminded me of several truths that I need to try to find my way back to:
- God is good, not mean or spiteful
- God loves me
- God will not make me suffer in vain
I’m having a really hard time believing these things right now, but I know that they are true, and I hope that by reading and re-reading them, that I’ll soon be able to let God back into my heart and soul. I’m feeling too worn down to pray for myself right now, but if anyone has an extra prayer or two to send my way, I’d be truly grateful.